Day: 162. Anxiety


So much has happened since I lost wrote on here. I’ve been keeping a prayer journal and recently started to write in a separate journal as I attempt to identify my feelings. I often feel so confused and the confusing is getting in the way of me making important life changing decisions.

Just to catch you up:

  • I’m still separated and currently seeing marriage counseling. Things are not going well there and we are on day 4 of No Contact
  • The boys and I moved into our new rental. I have become the full time caregiver to my boys and it has taken a toll on my body, emotions and well being. Biggest reason I haven’t blogged. Just too overwhelmed and tired
  • We lost a dear friend, my 16 year old’s best friend to the same disease my two sons have. We were all very close and I use to help his mom care for him. It hit home in so many ways and I still find myself crying when I even say his name
  • I have let go of my mom and Sister. They both has been very unsupportive during these difficult times and if that wasn’t hurtful enough, they both have attacked my character and questioned me. Enough to say that when I asked my mom for some respite, she told me that it wasn’t her opening her legs up and having babies. So yeah, I’m so very grateful that I am not spending thanksgiving not Christmas with them.

I’m sure there is much more, but for now that’s the recap. I decided to blog today to see if it helps with my anxiousness. Since the No Contact with my husband, I have been getting feelings of overwhelming anxiety. Just yesterday I thought I was going to pass out. The feeling is still with me just less intense. Last night I dreamt that my teeth were falling out and when I tried to hold them to my gums, they would crumble at the touch. I think it’s telling of me feeling the loss of all these people I love including witnessing my boys lose their strength and life everyday. So sad.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. For now, I’m holding on to my God and to sobriety with my life.

Day 78: Hurricane Harvey

We survived it without suffering at all. The boys and I stayed dry, safe and had power most of the time minus 6 hours. There is so much to process about this time and yet still Houston and the surrounding areas are suffering due to flooding. It’s truly been a devastation. 

My boys and I had just this past week moved into our new rental home before this disaster hit. I have been in total gratitude as the place we once stayed in reached over 10″ of water. I just couldn’t imagine what I would do?  No way I could safely protect my boys and their wheelchairs would have been toast submerged in such water. I thank God for his protection over us. It’s truly humbling. 

In our new home, During this storm, I came to realize that I am surrounded by amazing neighbors. They came over and offered their help if we should need it. They have been incredibly kind and I feel extremely safe. That’s a feeling I don’t take for granted. It precious to me and am thankful for it. Having this protection over us validates that I am on the exact path I am meant to be. 

A lot has happened since I last posted. For one, I went to Las Vegas with my 21 year old and manages to not drink nor have the desire for it. I almost felt like if I can go without drinking in Vegas, I can go without it ANYWHERE!  So to my surprise, after staying in for 4 days due to the hurricane, I was able to take a safe route to a gas station to load up on chocolate (totally addicted right now) and I stood in front of the wine section. Just stood and stared and started to rationalize. It will be fun, right. Glass of wine in hand while watching the rain. I was romanticizing the thought. A date with my old friend. I pulled myself away and instead grabbed another chocolate. 

I’m so glad I didn’t fall for that stupid lie. I know what happened. My drinking friends where posting all over how prepped they were for the hurricane by posting pictures of their bottles and bottles of liquor, wine and beer. A neighbor of mine were drinking in their garage playing games during the storm. The stores while I was getting g supplies myself had run out of bread, water, ice and beer. So crazy! Insane really. But somehow, subconsciously, I fell into the hype. 

I haven’t attended any AA meetings since my first 3 attempts at sobriety. I look forward to a routine in the near future and to get settled into this new home so I can fine a meeting. I want to try again and see if I can make this time stick for the rest of my life. 

Day 56: Home

Today is the day, I think, that we will find out if we are approved for a rental home. I am all prayed up and am trusting in God to provide and open/close doors. Only He can give us a perfect SAFE place to call home. 

I finished painting this lovely landscape last night using Oil Pastels. From the moment I started sketching, I stayed in prayer asking God to bless us with a safe place we can call Home. Sadness filled my soul as I grieved over my life realizing that I’ve never felt safe anywhere I have ever lived. Growing up, my home was filled with sexual and physical violence along with addiction and darkness. Then I lived on the streets which was no safe place for a pregnant teen. I then lived from one place to another, never establishing a permanent place as a single mother. I either got evicted because I couldn’t afford it, it got too dangerous due to the ghetto neighborhoods I lived in or the place became infected with rats or I got kicked out just because I wasn’t liked (I never really understand why this one landlord out right just didn’t like me, she told me so herself.) 

None of the homes I lived in while married where safe either. 1st husband, physical abuse. 2nd husband, emotional abuse along with addiction and constant abandonment and now here I am, without a safe home again. 

There is a scripture that kept coming into mind as I painted. Psalms 23:1-6

β€œHe makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

My truest of safest of homes lies in Him! My love, my creator, my comforter, my eternal place. Oh how I long to live with him forever!  Come again soon beloved and take us HOME!

Day 55: The Lame and BrokenHearted

Woke up to a rainy and dreary morning. I’m thankful for it as it gives me permission to feel the gloominess of my soul. Being my children’s only caregiver and only parent with no rest doesn’t allow me to stop and feel sometimes. 

I felt lonely and alone. You see, I am fatherless as are my boys and my family lacks the tools to be supportive of me and my life and circumstances. I realized as I pondered this loneliness that for all of my life, this feeling has been with me. Neglected and abused as a child, kicked out of the home as a teen and then cycling from one destructive unloving relationship after another…I’ve always felt lonely, unlovable with a constant heartbreak. 

I know I have my God and I chose to be grateful for my circumstances as they keep me close to him. As I started to mourn over my dreams of a “happily ever after,” I felt my God calling me to his word. 

I have recently started drawing in my bible. As I ponder a verse, I draw and pray. 

At first glance at this verse, I wanted so badly to pray this prayer over my boys whom are confined to their wheelchairs. I wanted to call out in the Name of Jesus for them to GET UP AND WALK! “Lord, Lord…how shall I pray? What are you telling me here!”

As I kept drawing, it came to me. We all live in a fallen world full of pain, sorrow and sadness. God showed me where I was lame. The dictionary defines lame as this:

:having an injured leg or foot that makes walking difficult or painful

: not strong, good, or effective

: not smart or impressive

I can relate to the last two definitions. Yes! I have disabilities. Not visible, yet they are here within me. I alone can’t be strong enough to conquer these difficulties, I am not so good in character that only good should be in my life. I am not effective in tackling this world alone. I am neither smart or impressive enough to outsmart pain and sorrow. NO! I need help. I need Him who has conquered death, He whom promises to never leave me nor forsake me.  All I need to mend this lame and broken heart is Faith in Jesus Christ. And that’s all I need.  

Day 53: Free Day

Not only is today 53 days sans alcohol, today also marks 2 Months since I broke up with Mary Jane!  Feels good to be completely sober. 

Despite an emotional morning due to some critics in my life, today turned out to be a very neat day. I called it….a Free Day. It started by first going to a birthday party at a really neat place called Top Golf. It was the birthday of my middle son’s best friend. He turned 16. This friend also has the same disease my son has, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, and to make it to another birthday is a really really REALLY BIG deal. It warms my heart to witness such a loving friendship between the two boys. The games were free for us and the food was Delish as well as free. The company…totally priceless. 

Then we headed out to an exposition called Abilities Expo. A place were special needs people gather together and see the neat gadgets, equipment and automobiles available for them. The event was free and the boys and I enjoyed it very much. My heart was all warm and fussy as I witnessed the caregivers and their loves ones enjoying their day. There so much beauty in these bonds. 

 We than just hung out afterwards at a park waiting for the time to pass so we could then gather with other parents of Muscular Dystrophy boys for dinner. Also free!  

I am, at heart, a shy person. New people and places tend to cause me to feel anxious and I usually want to talk myself out of the experience. In the past, alcohol would ease the anxiousness and give me a little liquid courage to interact. I forced myself to go. I felt very strongly about the fact that these are the types of friends that would be great for me and the boys especially during this transitional time. As we drove to the dinner venue, my boys asked a lot of questions about what to expect. Will there be other wheelchairs? Will we know these friends from MDA camp? Etc. I shared what I knew based on some occasional mommy gatherings I attended. I told them that most likely they would be the oldest there and that we would be possibly the only family that has gone through more of the disease than the other families. I asked them to be open and accepting and to answer any questions openly and honestly. You guys, it was a wonderful spiritual time. I was so proud of my boys. They handled themselves really nicely. They remained honest and true and I could tell they inspired. I also felt at ease with myself and even though I was the only one without a husband there (as usual even when I was together with my husband) and I was the only one with governmental assistance and the only one whom doesn’t have my boys in special schools nor do they see the best specialists in the nation (all facts that use to intimidate me), I felt comfortable. I didn’t think twice about anything, I didn’t have any doubts about myself and I was truly just being myself. It didn’t dawn on me until a mom said to me, “you are truly very precious and loving. You are so adorable and inspiring. I feel so good being around you and your boys.”  In my mind I wondered what she saw, I mean…I was just being myself. Haha πŸ˜‚ Truly a giggle to my soul. 

We left this evening with lots of hugs, love and new friends. I feel joy in my heart. I thank God for HIM inspiring through our lives and giving me the courage to share my faith tonight as I got asked How Do I Do It?  My answer…I just pray and He does it through me somehow. 

What a gift to be able to come together with strangers to share a common struggle with the pain of our children’s diagnosis and instantly be more bonded than blood relatives. (I have no support with my relatives) And the free’ness of the day was just the cherry on top of a life giving day. 

Day 49: Another One Bites The Dust

Yup, I’m still Sober and may I mention that although I have 49 days sans alcohol, I first started by quitting smoking marijuana. Mary Jane has been out of my life for the last 56 days and let me be honest, I kind of miss her. It’s been a tough couple of weeks and have had the desire to numb. Out of the two, my addicted mind thinks alcohol is the worse and so we can afford to still smoke…occasionally. Ha! Yeah right! It’s all bullshit. Sober means sober and I intend on being truly and honestly sober. I fooled myself when I first quit drinking two years ago that I was “sober” even though I was smoking pot with my husband.
Anyway, that’s my quick report on abstinence. In recovery, as we all know, alcohol nor drugs tend to even be the real issues of our lives. How easy would that be? Quite drinking and using and waalaa! You’re better now. You’re nice and healthy and whole. Nope. Not how it works. Not even close! Quitting is just the thin paper-like layer of the onion. The real works lays below that and as we peel, boy o boy does it sting and causes us to cry! Stupid onion. I’d like to just throw it as hard as I can at a wall and watch it SPLAT! Makes me smile just thinking of such scenario. Yet, that’s not what I’m called to do. I’m to love the onion, learn from the onion, be aware of it, go to bed with it and wake up with it. I’m to hold the onion. If you could see me now as I type these words, I look like I’ve been rolling around in onion funk probably smell like it too. Uurgh, the mess of recovery. 

Here’s the kicker, you won’t even know what each layer is until you are there. No prep work, no time to muster up courage, no talking it out beforehand to get yourself mentally prepared. Nope! Just one day at a single moment….BAM! You’re there and it WILL surprise the pants off of you or in my case, it threatened my sobriety. 

So there I was, with my three boys, getting things done, running errands, looking at rental homes, getting myself ready to stand on my own two feet when suddenly I received a text message that made my heart sink. It was my mother in law whom I love deeply. In a series of about 3 text messages she brings up a list of the men in my life whom have caused me damage. Man #1, my dad. Man #2, my first husband, father of my oldest. Man #3, my second husband, father of my middle and youngest. Man #4, my THIRD and current husband and boy#5, my stepson (too sensitive of a subject to share and because he is a minor, I will protect his anonymity. Suffice to say that I was deeply wounded by some of his actions that affected one of my boys especially and therefore affected me).

Can we all just gather together hold hands and yell the word TRIGGER from the top of our lungs!? Yup, let’s change this Diet Coke order to a glass, nope…scratch that; a bottle, nope that won’t do it, a bottle of wine plus 2 beers and maybe even a shot of tequila to ease this wound. I mean, nothing does it (actually I can think of other things that would do it) like a list of your Hall Of Shame being thrown in your face. A “look, YOU are the fucked up one” smile from the self loathing subconscious mind. 

And that’s the truth folks. I can face that. I can own it and know that I have work to do in this area. What I will need to work on as well, is not allowing this history of mine to shame me. Although I do believe my MIL intentions where from a place of love, what she ended up doing is pointing the finger at me. Her text message read that I may have perceived all these men and my situation in each relationship wrongly and have un-forgiveness in my heart. That stings that she thinks that way about me even DH used this history to shame me. You know why it hurts? Because I care what other people think of me and there we have yet another stupid onion layer!!!

I want the whole world to like me, accept me, see my heart and usually I AM liked and accepted. In my marriage, however, that was challenged. There were so many people on his side that just plain out didn’t like me, that questioned my intentions, felt I was fake and labeled me many things. I never felt accepted, I mean, my MIL’a office and home walls where still filled with pictures of my husband’s ex wife and their wedding pics and their family pics! Not. One. Picture. Of me. I never really got over that. Still makes me scratch my head. 

Here’s the thing, I care because I’ve yet to like/love myself as I should. This desire to be liked and the history of men that have been in my life, truly go hand in hand. There is a pattern, they come in as my knight and charming hero, ready to save me, seeing my vulnerabilities as something they want to protect and then once they have me…poof it’s gone. Immediately they want to change me and due to my PTSD and traumas I reacted in anger and in some instances it resorted to physical anger towards my partner and myself (liquid courage played a roll here for sure) Fight or Flight and I do both. Then because of this reaction, here comes the assembly of labels and just how mean and evil I am. And so, I try harder to be liked, attempt to be super sweet and nice so I can be liked and accepted and loved by these men. I end up ignoring my gut feelings and intuition of their behaviors and unhealthy patterns all for the sake of being accepted and viewed like a true Proverbs woman. 

According to Dr. Estes, American women learn to override our intuition because society wants us to be nice. Instinct keeps us safe, but being nice puts us in danger. Habitually choosing niceness over intuition invariably forces us to lose touch with our instincts, and without instinct, we cannot discern danger from safety. When we lose our ability to discriminate between danger and safety, our internal survival system sends out the alarm: β€œHey! Since we don’t know what is dangerous, it is best to assume everything is dangerous so we stay alive!”

What an insidious cycle. I cared deeply how these men perceived me and I ended up silencing my intuition. I have always known how I wanted to be loved and treated. I wanted to be adored and valued yet I was self sabotaging and treating myself poorly. I own this. I am aware now and so the onion layer is being lifted as it peels and the nastiness of the awareness fumes my entire being causing the sting and tears to flow.  

Now, as I put one foot in front of the other and more people become aware of my current separation, I will have to take courage and face the whispers and gossip of me having yet another failed marriage, another one that didn’t work out, another one that “bites the dust.”  It’s okay, they can see it that way. I chose to learn from this history and analyze my codependent issues and make the connections and move forward with my head held high. 

I will leave you with a song by Sia that has been singing in my head as of late.
And another one bites the dust

But why can I not conquer love?

And I might’ve got to be with one

Why not fight this war without weapons?

And I want it and I wanted it bad

But there were so many red flags

Now another one bites the dust

And let’s be clear, I trust no one

You did not break me

I’m still fighting for peace

Well I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart

But your blade it might be too sharp

I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard

But I may snap when I move close

But you won’t see me move no more

Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart

Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night

Let’s be clear, I won’t close my eyes

And I know that I can survive

I walked through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad

And I’m doing everything I can

Then another one bites the dust

It’s hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me (You did not break me, no, no)

I’m still fighting for peace 

Day 37: 21 Again

My oldest son turned 21 yesterday. We went out and celebrated today by getting piercings. He had his ear lobes pierced and I had my nose pierced. I gotta say, it was such a delight to share this experience with my son. It’s a memory I will cherish forever. 

He is very aware of his disease and knows the older he gets, the higher his risk for heart failure is.  We both know his days are numbered and that turns out to be a blessing in disguise. We make every minute together count! We take nothing for granted because of this disease. 

As great as that was…I have to share, it was reeeeeal difficult for me NOT to invite him to the cultural tradition of buying him a drink for his 21st birthday. After all,  he is of legal age and isn’t that what is done? Besides (my addicted mind says) he should get to experience raising his wheelchair up to a bar, ordering a drink and letting lose. No talking or thinking about this disease, the fears each birthday brings nor our current situation with my separation from my husband. Gosh, I felt excited at the thought of having a drink with my adult young man. 

So what did I do?  I pulled close to my son, told him I was 37 days sober but also wanted to invite him to a drink.  My young man said, “and we won’t mess that up momma.”  I smiled and gave him a kiss. 

Feels so good to be totally honest with this mature son of mine. 

I guess I just wanted to be 21 again with my son, but now as I lay down to relax and reflect…I feel grateful for a sober outing not only for me, but also for my son. As for being 21 again…well, hey! I got that nose piercing that I wanted since I was 21 myself and never got because I was afraid of needles. Now at the age of 39, I faced the fear and went for what I wanted and it feels so good on many levels. 

Thank you for reading. 

Day 33: Emotional Abuse

In the last several days, I find myself hitting the play button to the many fights and arguments I had in my marriage. I find myself pausing and rewinding listening carefully to the words expressed, I hit rewind once again, yet this time paying attention to the facial expressions and body language.  Towards the end, right before I left, the words were expressed only by one of us as I usually walked away and wouldn’t come back to the argument protecting myself from any confusion that was to follow. 

I once wrote a blog titled I’m Broken. I felt utterly confused and felt that everything was my fault. I had believed that all our marriage problems where about me drinking alcohol. It was so easy to believe that as my problem because being drunk was obvious and because I was open and honest about having a problem. However, once sober, I was still the problem. Shortly after that blog after many months of sobriety, I drank. I felt I wasn’t worth it in the end. 

As I go back, only to observe and not get into the arguments I’m playing back, I clearly see how I was easily confused. Gaslighting was the name of his game. He used his words, his strength, the bible to get my mind twisted and confused. 

I truly started to believe it was me and so the drinking and numbing continued. It even had come to points where I had slapped myself on two occasions as he came at me with his twisted words. He felt like a bully during these times who wouldn’t let up. 

This week has been difficult as there’s a possibility that I may have to move out of this safe haven for a time while the owner comes into town and stays in their home for possibly a week or so. It’s uncomfortable at times to stay in other people’s homes and so I felt I had no other choice than to go back to him. I couldn’t see myself dragging my boys to another location let alone finding one. I surprised myself as I wailed in sorrow and…”what was that, that I was feeling?” FEAR!  I felt scared to go back! I couldn’t really believe that I felt that way. It was upon that realization that I then knew, I can’t go back because I matter. 

And so I pray and have faith that God will open doors and I will find another temporary place. I pray for the protection of my children and pray to come to a place we can call our own real soon. 

Please lift us in your prayers as well. 

P.S.  I’ve come to enjoy the messages I receive in my social media. Can you tell? 😊

Day 32: 10 Things

It’s been an interesting 10 days since I last blogged. I’ve learned so much about myself in these days. Let me share:

10 Positive Things I’ve Learned about myself;

1.  I can trust my mind. I can make decisions that make logical and emotional sense. I learned that I am NOT indecisive and uncertain. I’m quite certain actually. 

2. I’ve learned that I am strong. Really REALLY strong. That I don’t shy away from hard things. I give it my all and best. 

3.  I have faith! I learned that I still have faith even in fear and when I am concerned or worried. I know I have faith because I bring these fears and worries to God whom I know cares about said worries and fears. I trust in Him wholeheartedly. He will get me through. 

4.  I have good in me. I learned that I am a nurturer and care deeply.  I want to do what’s right always, even when I don’t end up doing right. I still want to do what’s right. Make sense? 😊

5.  I’m extremely responsible. I care for my boys fully and am on top of it. 

6.  I adult pretty well. My priorities seem to be in line since I became sober. 

7.  I am learning to take care of myself too. I rest, workout, eat healthy and I have even made time to paint my toenails! 

8.  I learned that I have great friends whom care so much about me and love me.  I have a wonderful support system.

9.  I learned that I can trust the voice of God speaking to me, not because I’m special but because I seek it and I check my heart to make sure I am not seeking my own self but rather seeking all of Him. I read my bible and pray and enjoy His fellowship. 

10. I learned that I truly get recharged when I surround myself with nature, animals and art. 

There are also things I have learned that are not so positive, yet will be positive soon enough. This is the beginning of awareness so therefore, I will learn. There is hope yet. 

1.  Do to my caring nature, I tend to pick codependent relationships whom I want to love until they are healthy. 

2.  I recognize now that I was in an emotionally abusive situation. 

3.  I don’t have automatic good habits currently. I’m working on building them like making the bed everyday, exercising, eating right, being honest at all times. 

4.  I care way way too much about what others think of me and what they are saying of me. 

I’m sure there is more to be revealed. So far this is how much I know. It’s a good start. How reassuring it is to know that I am indeed on the path of healing and recovery. 

Thank you friends for reading. Cheers to day 32. 

Day 22: Merlin the Cat

Never had I ever had thoughts nor wishes nor desires of owning a cat. I labeled myself as a dog person and thought I disliked cats. I believed the superstitions surrounding them and had a personal almost hate for them. You see, my ex husband had brought two kittens home and soon after, he abandoned me and our son. I was pregnant and was left to clean the kitty litter. Five months into my pregnancy I fell extremely ill and found that the bacteria the kitty litter carried got into my placenta and shortly after, I misscarried. 

Fast forward twelve years and 11 months later, as I walked out of a bar with my current husband and some friends of ours, I heard a loud meeeeoow. I looked down and saw this sweet kitten looking right at me. 

Immediately I felt a strong bond with him. We connected instantly. I picked him up and my husband insisted I set him back down and let him go, but he followed me all the way to our car and home he went with me. 

I fell fast in love with this angel. 

He became my companion. He was always there when I worked on craft projects,

When I folded laundry 

When I showered my sons and when I was getting ready. Always by my side he was. 

 Now as I write, I am again filled with pain and tears. I don’t want to share exactly what happened as it’s too personal and involves my husband too much and I don’t want to speak for him, just know that my Merlin is no longer with me and it’s breaking my heart! 

My love is no longer with me and it hurts! I woke up this morning and sobbed from the physical pain I felt due to my heartache. He has been gone since yesterday. I seriously wonder if I will ever live without this pain? I felt I couldn’t breath this morning from the pain. 

How am I going to get over this? I hurt so bad. If it feels like this with losing my pet love, how much more the pain of one day losing my children to their disease? Oh God, help me! I won’t be able to bare it!?

It’s been an incredibly tough day and yet I remained sober. Sad, depressed, in ugly tears, but sober. My boys helped me so much today. They laid with me, prayed for me and gave me lots of kisses as they reassure me it will be okay. 

But will it? Will my heart forever ache for him?