It’s 8pm and I am sitting outside waiting for our children to get out of a big event at church. Beloved took he and I out to dinner. He took us to one of our favorite restaurants where we always sit at the bar, have our favorite dish and enjoy a couple of beers. It was beautiful outside and so I suggested a table outside just so I could avoid the bar. “It’s much easier to resist the beer this way”, I thought.
I haven’t wanted to share with my beloved my decision towards sobriety nor this blog. I feel I have broken many promises to him and our children before and I just couldn’t face disappointing them once again. I planned ahead and decided I would order a diet coke with lime and a healthy meal, this way I had my excuse as to why I didn’t order a beer…”I worked out today and I don’t want to waste the workout.” I knew my husband would be surprised and he was. He actually said…”that’s weird” right after I ordered the diet coke. I replied with my planned out response, “crossfit hurt too much today and I don’t want my hard work to be wasted.” “Ok”, he stated. “That’s good.”
He ordered his beer and we proceeded to have a real nice conversation about self love and how it was connected to Christ’s love. He shared how it was His love that transformed him and got him to a place where he likes himself, has peace and confidence. I admire my husband so much for this. In my eyes, my husband is really strong and is tapped into a spiritual relationship with our God that is unshakable. I asked him questions wanting to know more. It’s been such a long while since we have done this. Usually, like I mentioned, we sit at the bar (sometimes he orders a beer, sometimes he doesn’t and I would get irritated when he didn’t, why else do we sit at the bar?!) And our shoulder to shoulder sitting offered more of a companion situation, a buddy to have a couple of beers with while watching ESPN on the bar’s tv screen. Conversation is more difficult in this position yet even on days he didn’t order beer (I wouldn’t either because I hated drinking alone next to him) I preferred this type of sitting. I guess I rather us not talk, not make eye contact as I didn’t have much to share. I was mostly hiding and found I didn’t have anything to discuss except for how much I have been drinking. 4 to 6 drinks a night, 7 nights a week. I always have felt that if I were to genuinely look into his eyes, he would know all my secrets.
During dinner tonight he asked me why I lied to him on Monday about me drinking. He had come home and thought I was acting a little weird and had asked me if I have been drinking, I had but I lied to him and told him know and acted offended. Here again I wanted to lie to him AGAIN and claim he was wrong, “I didn’t have anything to drink that day, like I said.” I remembered him questioning me on that day after I told my lie…”babe, don’t you think by now I know when you have been drinking?”
If drinking kept me lying and lying kept me in shame and I am now trying to be sober so I can be more honest with myself and therefore others, than I guess I best tell the truth. I shrugged my shoulders…a silent “I don’t know.” He accepted that as my acknowledgement to the truth, I HAD been drinking that day. He didn’t push me. He just said he just wanted to know and he wasn’t here to judge me.
I felt utter relief and acceptance. Thank God for the truth…it truly does set one free! I thank God for my husband’s grace and his ability to love me even through all my craziness.
In this state of relief and feeling safe, I shared with him that I didn’t really think I was lying to him just to lie to him yet mostly to lie to myself. I told him that in hiding the bottles or throwing them away with the trash instead of collecting them in the recycling bin was a way of hiding how much I drank from myself! True insanity there. I told him that I realized recently that I have not really learned how to make real decisions in my life, that I have always just gone with the flow and let life happen to me. How else did I end up married 3 times! I was asked and I said yes. I told him I wanted to try something different and be more cautious of making decisions and be more in control of my life and that I wanted to learn to like myself more.
I then looked up at him and said…”I can’t make you any promises, I am just going to take it one day at a time and make decisions on what is good for me and do what will end up giving me strength, courage and growth.” He said, “and that’s all it takes sometimes.”
My love! He is super wonderful to me! ❤ I am finally feeling safe in his love.
Day 2, complete. No drink.