Day 6 and 7. I feel strong feelings of SHAME

shame

I have some followers! Yay!  Hi guys!  😀   Now I feel self conscious about how I write. 😉  I hope you forgive my many mistakes and grammar in advance. Fyi: English is my 2nd language. 🙂

So this morning is Day 7.  I don’t remember the last time I was here. Feels good to reach this goal. In my head, I am going for a week at a time. Cheers to that, right? 😉

I had a good weekend. I ran on Saturday morning and took a long nap and on Sunday after church. I read and watched 2 movies and finished the night with The Walking Dead!  Any fans out there?!

Several times over the weekend, however, I got hit by shocks of shame. Can anyone relate?

Two things kept coming up:

On Wednesdays I take the kids to church during the school year.  Last year I attempted several bible study classes and I just wasn’t interested. I felt rebellious towards God and angry with him, so I decided to go to CrossFit instead while the kids went to their activities. That worked for a good long while until school let out for the holidays. I then started back up on my daily drinking. Once school started back up again and Wednesday night services for the children resumed, I was stuck in the nightly drinking. Soooo….what did I do? I went to church with wine in my Jesus mug and drank. Sometimes I would be even tipsy. No, to be real, there were times I was plain ass drunk at church!!!!  I have no idea who I talked to and what I said at times. The kids never acted like they knew but I am sure they did. In typing this the shot of shame hits me hard.  Oh my God forgive me, I drove these kids home in that state. Thank you for protecting us and others during this time Lord. At church this Sunday, on my Day 6; with a sober mind and no hangover glooming over me I felt more open to receive the grace and love of Christ. But the shame….Oh the shame. I also remembered how I attempted Celebrate Recovery there at the church and would bring my wine in the same mug and dispose of the little wine bottles in the parking lot to make a “fuck you” statement “you can’t help me.”  😦

As if that wasn’t enough shame…after my run on Saturday morning, my mind took me to last year in December. I was towards the end of my marathon training which was in January 2014. It was my very fist race!  I went from couch to marathon training so I had no other experience. My good friend/neighbor/experienced running partner suggested I run a half marathon just to get some kind of race experience. The race was scheduled in December 2013. The night before the race I went on a job (I use to be a makeup artist and hair stylist).  I left the house early (on purpose) so I stopped at a restaurant and drank 3 beers. Once at the job, they were serving wine. As I was cleaning up and getting ready to load up, I finished the bottle and proceeded to come home BUT before I came home, I picked up some more wine! Sigh. This is really tough to type. My stepchildren were over that night so all 7 of our children were home and I made a complete ass of myself. When my husband attempted to calm me down, I went ballistic on him and hit him! 😦  I did. I hit my husband and I wouldn’t stop, so he called the police. He had no idea that jail was were they would want to take me. He pleaded with them to please not do that and used my two wheelchair bound children as a reason. They didn’t take me to jail but I couldn’t stay home. My husband called my mother and so I went home with her.  The SHAME that followed the next morning!!!!!!  My loving husband came the following morning and picked me up and just embraced me and shared his love with me.  He knew somewhere deep down that my anger was not really towards him but just towards men for all that I have survived. All that sexual, mental and physical abuse all caused by EVERY. SINGLE. MAN. I have loved and cared for minus him. That morning was the morning of my first half marathon and I missed it. 😦

I have no idea why I easily was able to forget the incident only 1 week after it happened and went back to drinking. I vowed to never drink again and even hung the race shirt for the half marathon called RUN GIRL on my closet wall as to let it be a reminder of what happened that night.  It’s STILL there and it had not stopped me.  Oh the shame in that!!!!!  It’s so very sad. I DID complete my full marathon that January and my husband was  there at the finish line, supporting me all the way.  My cheerleader, my #1 fan.  , my true love

I didn't get to wear the race shirt, nor the number nor did I get to place the sticker on my car as a reward for my accomplishment
I didn’t get to wear the race shirt, nor the number nor did I get to place the sticker on my car as a reward for my accomplishment

I signed up to run the full marathon again for January 2015 this year as I raise money for the RUN FOR OUR SONS organization, an organization dedicated in finding the cure against Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy which is what my two boys have. Yet due to all my drinking and subsequent depression, I have not trained at all.  In my 3 mile run this past Saturday, I have decided I would just drop from the full 26.2 race and just run the half for January. I still have plenty of time to train for the 13 miles. A do over. And I may even sign up for Run Girl again this December just to replace this shirt on my closet wall.

I hope you don’t judge me and instead help me forgive myself.

Thank you.  Now to get on with my Day 7. I will use what I wrote today to get me through this day.

My husband and my pit baby cheering me on and being super supportive!
My husband and my pit baby cheering me on and showing me love!
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4 Replies to “Day 6 and 7. I feel strong feelings of SHAME”

  1. I just read this post and can relate to most of it. Keep up the writing and friendship/fellowship making. We truly do heal together. And we stay healed and growing because we keep reaching out and making friends. My love, blessings, and abundance good wishes for your success today. Lisa 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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