Today was super odd! I felt irritable, without motivation, lazy and uncomfortable with my emotions despite my workout this morning. I laid in bed and sat on the couch most of the day after a bath. I spent my day reading John Vale’s book Kick the Drink Easily and youtubed a lot of videos regarding the effect’s of alcohol to the body both short term and long term. I even goggled pictures of drunk people and read more sobriety blogs and also watched a couple of episodes of Celebrity Rehab. At some point I even felt nauseous and threw up!
Tomorrow my 13 yr old has a doctor’s appointment and will be missing school and my husband had a work meeting tonight so I had planned a night out with my boys to watch a movie at the Movie Tavern tonight. I had asked my dearest friend to accompany me so she can help me transfer my 13 year old from van to wheelchair and wheelchair to van and van to bed tonight. She agreed and very sweetly asked if it was okay if she had a drink if it didn’t tempt me. I surprised myself when my immediate response was…”naaaa, it wasn’t even on my mind. I will be fine.” And it was true. It use to be a big deal going to the Movie Tavern for me because I can only really drink 2 drinks when I am taking my kids to the movies without feeling awful about drinking and then driving my kids home. So I use to feel anxiety about that and struggle with self control. At the same time, I never really wanted to go to any other theater that didn’t serve alcohol. So truth be told, I surprised myself tonight as the desire wasn’t even there.
In getting ready to get out of the house, my 13 year old (whom is wheelchair bound due to his DMD disease) was getting very uncooperative and whinny. He was also talking back and got too “adult like” with me when he said to me…”You don’t have to have an attitude..” which of course I wasn’t having an attitude with him, I was just explaining that his behavior was inappropriate. I just had to hold my breath and walk away from him as his statement made me really angry.
I then really wanted to just say NO to our outing because of his disrespect EXCEPT that it wasn’t fair to my other child nor to ME! I wanted to get out of the house and just get distracted/ taken away for a little while and I WANT to explore the world without drink! I WANT to one day be at a social gathering and be the only one NOT DRINKING! I look forward to being set apart from the crowd. Besides, with all my irritable feelings; I didn’t really trust myself to handle the situation with my 13 year old wisely AAANND in my world, in my head, I think about and ask myself… if this day is the last day I have with my son, would I want to remember our last day with each other in a fight? I know I need to still educate him to be a respectful young man. I do have ideas on how to help him better express himself but tonight was NOT the night to start. My supply of patience was very low and I have NO idea why.
When we got home, I felt like my beloved and I were a little disconnected. I know it’s my own irritability that is probably triggering this and so I asked him for a hug. When he hugged me I just started crying and crying and couldn’t stop for a little while. I couldn’t really even explain why I felt this way.
So is this what it’s like to go through life, to sit through the discomfort of our own pain, fears, insecurities, etc?
It’s been such an odd day. Yet I will be glad in it because I DID go through this day alcohol free and even though I can’t discern what is happening to me emotionally, I plan to get to know myself better in this process and figure things ou.
I read recently somewhere or maybe I heard it and it made such a HUGE impact on me. So much so, I posted this on my bathroom mirror
GIVE YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET YOURSELF VERONICA!