Day 9 & 10. Triggered! WHERE THE HELL IS MY PINK CLOUD?!

This is now my THIRD ATTEMPT to write. I wrote a lengthy full of bitching post last night and when I hit POST, my computer said I was disconnected to the net and so the post was lost.  I felt like it was probably for the best and would post today hoping that today would be a better day and I could post something more insightful rather than bitching.  I just now wrote 2 paragraphs and I hit some kind of keys and I erased all of what I typed except the first 2 words!!!!  WTH!!!!!!

My pit big boy just sat on top of me and closed the laptop with his butt!!!!  uuuurrrgh, glad to see i didn’t lose another post though.  

You guys, I am really struggling over here.  Where the hell is my pink cloud?!  My life is really really tough.  Being a caregiver AND a parent AT THE SAME TIME is not easy shit!  I am really frustrated and it doesn’t help that the wheelchair company keeps fucking up leaving us wheelchair-less and my moody son at home with me leaving us both stuck. I don’t know how long I can keep up being his arms and legs as well as trying to be my own?  I get respite care 3 hours a day 4 days a week. Even then, sometimes that is not enough.  Seems like everything that can go wrong, is.

Beloved and I are fighting, my lil-bitch pup is driving me nuts!  She is being extremely bad, I gotta get her to obedience school ASAP.  Lately I just don’t have the energy to train her.  I am consumed by sobriety and my son. Alcohol, believe it or not, gave me energy. I would go for hours cleaning house, walking dogs, taking care of V (13 yr old son with DMD) and the rest of the household, cooking and all until I pass out at 10 ish to 11. Now I am tired, can’t get off my butt to do chores nor cook because I am obsessed with my sobriety books, blogs, shows and I am so fucking tired, physically tired!!!!!  What’s going on here?

I better post this before I lose it again.  Hope someone out there “heard” me and can offer some words of encouragement.

Peace

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6 Replies to “Day 9 & 10. Triggered! WHERE THE HELL IS MY PINK CLOUD?!”

  1. I think alcohol gave you a false sense of security and tranquility. Anytime you felt like life was getting out of control you drank and it made you feel like you were in control and everything was OK. The truth is, and you know this, life is the same sober as when you are drunk. Well, maybe it’s a little funnier, but only to those who are also drinking.

    We all have challenges in life, some more than others, but life is how we deal with those challenges. We make the decision to be happy or miserable with what life throws at us. Life needs to be ‘done’ regardless. Now, I’m not struggling with addiction, but from an outsider looking in (and from a person with a spouse who was addicted to painkillers) it seems to me like you’re living your life right now and you’re having a hard time accepting and dealing with it. That life, your life, has always been there with all of it’s challenges. Alcohol gave you the proverbial “beer goggles” in which all is peaches and roses. For someone who is addicted to those peaches and roses, they must learn how to live life and conquer challenges life gives without the goggles.

    So maybe you can try to look at your challenges tomorrow and say, “Today I will conquer you with a smile.” And with each task, take a deep breath in and and on your exhale smile and make movement to begin the task. I think the key is to try a new approach. Instead of looking at it with dread, look at it with the end in sight. Even though you don’t want to get off the couch, take a deep breath, smile, exhale and get up – you have a lot to do today:)

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    1. YOu are so sweet! Thank you for you advice. I do know life is the same and I look more forward to dealing with it and allowing it to nurture growth in my life. I just need to learn coping skills now that the booze is gone. I, without a doubt, don’t wish to go back to numbing my life and not being present in it. It is a gift to live and if I have been “blessed” with all these hardships, well damn it! I better make the best out of it and let it be a light in my desperation! Hugs! 🙂

      New day. Day 11 here I go

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      1. I am so glad you made it through that rough day and are on to day 11. I know I am only on day one right now, but last try at sobriety I found myself feeling much better around days 12-14. The anger of not being able to have a drink went away and I was feeling great about my decision at that point. I think it takes 2 weeks to get into the habit of not drinking. Don’t worry about the fact that you don’t have the energy or desire to do anything but be sober right now. Spend all of your time devoted to that.

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  2. As your body gets used to it, the tiredness/irritability will transform into more energy/patience than possible when drinking. After a couple of weeks you’ll start sleeping better, deeper. You’ll also develop new ways of dealing with issues instead of ignoring them, and that means your stress will go down.

    Life is the same sober, but, it gets easier to deal with. Just make sure you give yourself some time… Even meditation for 30 mins a day will work wonders. The reason sobriety is hard to begin with is because it opens up your eyes to how hard life is. But it helps you work on it. That’s the difference. Keep it up!

    Also, thank you… if someone with your responsibilities can get sober (for longer than me), my stress isn’t an excuse! So you’ve helped me stay sober today today 🙂

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  3. Wow hun, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It also sounds like you need some self-care. I hope you get a chance to do something nice for yourself, as it seems you spend a lot of time doing nice things for everyone else around you that you love, which I understand. But remember, you gotta take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. Hugs & prayers xo

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