Day 14 ya’ll (there’s that Texan thang) it’s 2 weeks! I do feel excited but look forward to 3 months. 3 months can’t get here fast enough as I want to see who I will be by then. 🙂 But just like I am, I recognize, that this is part of my attempt to be perfect. A perfect sober! One of my personalities it that of a perfectionist. In pursuit of one can have it’s rewards but mostly leads to my stress.
As far back as I can remember, at the very young age of 5, I KNEW I wanted to be a mom. A perfect mom, a loving mom and a mom who would protect her baby. Not like my mom who either allowed my father to sexually molest me or was so wrapped up in her own solipsism, she didn’t even notice me.
So when I became pregnant at 16, thrown out in the streets by my mother and my son’s father disappeared, I was left homeless with a baby in my tummy. I resolved to give my baby the best and so the fight began for our lives. I wanted to be the perfect mom! By the time my first born was 2 years old, I had finished HS, had a career in insurance as an agent, had my own apartment, opened my first checking and savings accounts and purchased my first vehicle. I give credit to some of my perfectionistic tendencies for all of this advancement in my life as a single independent mother. Some might call it “survival.”
And so it went. I had to be a perfect student (and I was), a perfect child, a perfect mom, a perfect employee, a perfect Christian (I always failed at this one), a perfect house keeper, a perfect cook, a perfect dancer (spent 5 yrs of my life and my children’s lives perfecting th art of salsa dancing), a perfect makeup artist, a perfect wife, a perfect stepmother, a perfect size 6, a perfect CrossFitter…you get the point.
All these attempts and I still finished HS late due to my pregnancy and homelessness, I still got molested, I still got beaten by my mom, I still had 2 divorces, I still sinned, I still failed my stepchildren and my own children and I still had 2 sons with the same disease. I still had food issues and I still had/have strong negative feelings about my body and so I am still a size 12!
I have read and been advised not to take on too much at the same time like starting a diet and sobriety at the same time. Eliminating sugars and wheat AND alcohol. BUT, I wonder if my sobriety is linked to healthy eating and treating my body well.
I had a very long, very exhausting, very physically challenged day today with V at his pulmonary appointment. I was getting tired, hungry and cranky. I was fearing that these may very well be the triggers to relapse. I. MUST. EAT. NOW is what my body said along with “Ouch, our back hurts,you should do more planks.” In a desperate state, I ended up at McDonald’s drive thru and order the BIG MAC meal!!!! Oh GROSS!!!!! I can’t even remember the last time I even ate there!!!!! I swallowed the meal as to hurry up and not think about what I am eating. A mindless action. (A lot like drinking during the day while cleaning house) Immediately I felt the quilt, the disgust in myself for eating fake unhealthy over processed food. (A lot like what happened when I woke up at 4am after a day of drinking) I got moodier and now in addition to my back aching, my tummy is bloated. I might as well drink. It’s the same dang thang!
I should prepare meals in advance when going on long appointments like that. I should wake up earlier and make a healthy hearty breakfast, I should pack health snacks….If I do this, I will be happy, in perfect shape, my clothes would fit perfectly, my back won’t hurt from carrying my own extra weight in addition to V’s body weight.
Oh shit, what a perfect storm to become a perfect alcoholic! This all is stressing me out!
But instead, I will just forgive myself for today and make a point to hit the grocery store tomorrow and do the best that I can and If I can’t be perfect, I will try to accept that and like myself anyway. However if I CAN’T accept that, then it’s time to do the work and get to cooking and preparing more balanced healthy meals. One thing is for real….I won’t DRINK and THAT my bloglies (instead of lovelies) ;0) IS a healthy choice!!!!!! Baby steps.