Day 17. Panicked

Tough tough day.
Today was my son’s 1st of 2 pre operation appointments.  We filled out tons of paper work, talked about the 8 hour procedure and the risks including the needed blood transfusion.  We talked about his 1st day of recovery will be in ICU and the week stay in the hospital.  We talked about the pain we will need to manage and much more including the long recovery process at home.

Before this appointment,  I had a counseling session. I found in trying to rush and get out of the house with my special needs son, I started to feel panicked. My breathing got heavier and shorter and I didn’t know what to do. On my way to the session I wondered if having my 2.5 cups of coffee was a bad idea and wondered if caffeine is bad during this time of recovery.  After all, I AM trying to learn how to not panic (control my anxiety) and learn how to safely feel my pain and hurts (no numbing allowed).

Once at counseling I realized this is probably one of a very few (been going to see my therapist for 1 yr now) times I was fully present.  No hangover and not drunk (I often thought I was still drunk from the night before). Uurgh, what a waste of money.   I once read that sometimes it takes every last drink to get you to sobriety so maybe that’s what happened here. My last drink was the day I got a call from my therapist asking if I was okay because I missed session. I had completely forgotten as I was preparing a day of folding laundry in front of the tv while drinking wine (an activity I often enjoyed).  For whatever reason, that was my last drink. Definitely not a rock bottom.  Rock bottom should have been when I got a DUI 7 yrs ago and went to jail.  Or when CPS drug tested me and I came back positive for mariguana or when my husband called the police on me for hitting on him relentlessly.  Nope, I didn’t care to stop at any of those points.  I ended up stopping because I missed my counseling session.

Anyway…my assignment from counseling is to sit and concentrate on my breathing for 2 minutes when I start feeling anxiety/panicked.  Honestly that sounds real hard but I have no other alternative.  I use to smoke a long time ago. Not addicted, just thought it was cool and kept my high up longer.  So, at the 1st sign of panic during sobriety I went and bought a cigarette pack thinking I would only smoke one when panicked as I learn another healthy way of coping and after pack is all smoked, I wouldn’t buy another pack.   I had only smoked 4 in 16 days and yesterday my 8yr old son saw them and oh my! He was pissed!!!!!  We talked about it and at the end of the conversation he asked me to please not smoke (his great grandmother on dad’s side died of lung cancer last yr and he is also fully aware his 2 brother’s with DMD are going to die as well) so I wet the pack in front of him and stood next to me while I threw them away. He was so sweet.  He kissed and thanked me. I thought: shit! Now what am I going to do?

My 2nd assignment is to start drinking half and half coffee. Half decaf and half with caffeine until I eliminate all caffeine.   Another thought: shit! :/

After our appointment,  V and I passed a pub and for the 1st time in 17 days, the damn urge to want to drink came pouring into my soul.  Now this is a really BIG SHIT!  Triggers? All of the above!

I am going to have to set up a game plan during surgery and after during V’s recovery.  I am going to need tons of help to protect my sobriety.  If anyone of you would like to help me, please contact me via email: lightofdesperation@gmail.com

I am going to need you.

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