Friday Day 18. Proved to be yet another difficult day. I can’t explain it. I think maybe I fell into a mini depression.
I went to a 5:15am spin class with my aunt and in the middle of class, I thought I was going to cry. I was so far away mentally. My aunt reached over and rubbed my back, she noticed. Her sweet gesture almost had me break down but I swallowed it down. Afterwards we had coffee and I shared with her some of my fears about V’s upcoming surgery.
Once home, I showered and was on to the task of getting the boys ready for school. V woke up in a extreme lower back pain (I think it’s related to the scoliosis) and he started crying saying “I am sorry mommy, life is so hard, I don’t want to live in pain all my life.” I told him I would be back to help him off the bed and I ran upstairs, threw myself on the bed, into my husband’s arms and sobbed. I allowed myself to feel the pain but cut it short to 2 minutes as I needed to get back to V. Needless to say, he stayed home from school AGAIN. I stayed in my pj’s most of the day. We both took naps and I just couldn’t get off the cough, only to meet his needs. I wanted to drink again. So I had a fake bloody mary and 3 nonalcoholic beers! I didn’t feel well about that at all. I need to get to the point where I am not romanticizing the illusion of drinking my pain away.
The only thing that got me off the couch and got us all out was a nice visit from my 18yr old son, T. He too has DMD and is wheelchair bound but doesn’t have scoliosis. T has been very blessed and has kept his upper body strength for a long time now. I pray it continues. He has a wheelchair assessable van and we were all able to go out to dinner where I ordered a soda with lime. T noticed and asked if I wasn’t drinking and V answered, “mommy doesn’t drink anymore, only nonalcoholic beer sometimes.” Poor babies. They know too much.
Now that I type this day, I see my blessings on that day despite my feelings. I should make a gratitude list for this day.
1. I get to go to a really nice gym and enjoy classes like yoga and spin.
2. I have a really compassionate aunt who loves me and has empathy for me
3. I have a home to come to. A really nice home.
4. I get to stay home with my son when he isn’t feeling well and stay in my pj’s without worrying about bills
5. I have an imperfect perfect husband who I can cry on and is an AWESOME provider
6. I get to be V’s and T’s and L’s mommy and a step mommy and a pit bull mommy
I look forward to the day I can focus more on these things instead of how overwhelming my tasks and responsibilities are.
Saturday Day 19.
I ate bad, really bad ALL day. I’ve gained weight. So ironic. I drink and my weight doesn’t change. I quite drinking and I am a cow now. Today during my kid’s and stepkid’s soccer games, my jeans ripped! yup! They ripped because my thighs and butt are getting big! You know, I AM convinced now that diet HAS to be an essential for my sobriety. I just DON’T ever feel good when I can feel myself carry the extra weight. I feel disappointed, it stresses me out, I don’t feel as confident and I get depressed. It would be AMAZING to be sober and healthy! These sweets are just adding to my ass and to my low self esteem.
On to another subject. I cried on this day. No, scratch that…I SOBBED, LIKE A TOODLER! Beloved and I had a misunderstanding of communication where I thought he was being an a.hole and he thought I was over reacting. I was already feeling vulnerable and so the dame got broken down and the flood of tears came pounding in. I was in so much pain I couldn’t hardly take it. I asked and prayed for God to comfort me and an epiphany came to me. In looking back to my childhood, I realized I always cried alone. I always cried under the covers, under the bed or in a closet. I never had someone comfort me in my tears as I do my children and as I see my husband do to his. After all, it was my parents inflicting the pain, why would they then comfort me. Truthfully, even with all the love my husband pours unto me, I STILL don’t feel comforted to this day. When I cry to hubby, sometimes he wants to fix it. This triggers anger in me, just like when my mom tells me to not cry. Why can’t I just cry and they just be there for me and see me through my pains? Take the journey with me and help me discover the other side.
Thankfully, I don’t have an a.hole for a husband and I was able to share the above with him and he asked me how he can be there for me. I was able to tell him that I just needed him to hold me and love me and comfort me without trying to fix it. I told him to not feel uncomfortable with seeing me in pain, because I am feeling now and not numbing and that tears are good for cleansing and healing. Maybe I too won’t be so afraid to feel the pain next time. maybe