I never dreamt as a little girl to wanting to grow up and be strong. I just wanted to be pretty, loved, wear nice clothes, have an education and I remember very vividly that I really wanted to be a mom when I was 5.
Fast forward 31 years later and I now may be interested in this strength. Maybe. Still not fully sure although without the alcohol which had me running away and hiding for so long from growth and strength, I am almost forced to grow and to grow in strength. I am not talking just physically here (although physical strength is important in transferring my boys), I am speaking more of a mental and spiritual growth that can only be strengthen by “walking through the valley of the shadows of death.” A strength that can only be achieved not by controlling the storm but by trusting that the storm has a purpose for your life and it will define you, shape your character and strengthen your faith. I now want to learn to embrace this journey and let it lead me to my destiny.
This weekend proved to be tough again. I was overwhelmed. Too much going on, too many kids in the house, too much of a mess they were making, to much yelling and fighting. The dogs overwhelmed me as well, too much barking and too much whining. Too many dishes and loads of laundry. The overwhelming feelings even got me to an insecure place and I felt insecure when hubby’s ex wife was near him at kid’s soccer game. UUurgh, I don’t like myself when I feel like that. Too many changes as well, happening almost daily. My life has NEVER been stable with routines and “normal.” Always change. The big change this weekend was when my son’s attendant of 1 yr. quite for another job. My son loves her and so do I so it was sad for both of us. We have now gone through 3 attendant we have truly loved and miss still today. I wanted to react as I have been accustomed to and just drink the pain to numbness but instead I just made the choice to trust that this is where I am suppose to be. This too will shape me and make me strong. I mean, I am now looking at going though V’s recovery with no respite help or care. The attendant worked 5 days a week, 2 hours a day. We are not ready to look for someone else and bring someone into our home during this delicate difficult time come December 2nd. I have a feeling this is meant to be and I am going to walk through this valley of the shadow of death and will look forward to the rays of sunlight on the other side.