Yesterday 11/19/2014, Wednesday
I thoroughly remember thinking many times that I could never go more than 2 days without drinking. I remember feeling hopeless, ashamed, trapped and on some occasions even thought it would be best if Jesus would hurry up and just rapture us already because I wasn’t going to escape this depression of intoxication! Just goes to show how much alcohol can deceive you. I had really given up and given in to it. So, 30 days is a little of a big deal. 🙂
I want to share some of what I have learned in these 30 days:
1. Most of my drinking was an attempt to escape pain, yet it was even more pain that it caused me.
2. My thoughts of NEEDING TO HAVE A DRINK where not real and a fabrication of my own mind (and the alcohol talking). Once I made the choice to change my thoughts and stop giving alcohol the control, I don’t NEED a drink EVER!
3. I learned that while I was drinking the last 3 years almost on a daily basis with very short times of abstinence, I didn’t look into my husband’s eyes and I started fights just to keep the distance so that my little secret can stay a secret yet he always knew.
4. I learned to be more connected to my children. Eye contact again instead of hiding behind busyness and in the laundry room where I hid my stash
5. It feels really good to not be hiding and keeping a secret from my family. Really really good!
6. I learned that I often forced myself to drink because I didn’t feel like I deserved to be “healthy” when my boys are deteriorating. I was almost committing a form of suicide, a slow death to match my boys disease. It too is a slow death. THIS WAS A BIG EMPIPHANY! I am still learning to accept health for myself and success. Which leads to :
Things I am still learning:
1. Having feelings and expressing them and learning ways to express and release them is much better than watering them with booze. Watering feelings with booze only grew the feelings to more intense unhealthy, inappropriate angry feelings.
2. I am learning to take care of myself. Did I get enough sleep? Have I eaten mostly clean? How much caffeine have I had today? Have you taken a break? Don’t over commit. Make a schedule for the week and then take it day by day. Have you exercised? Have you made time for a good healthy friend? Have you laughed? Sit down and enjoy your family daily. REST
3. I am learning to trust the dark moments, times in my life. I am learning to respect the dark knowing it will provide me with strength and growth only if I go through it. Hiding or rather illuminating the dark with distractions only takes away any growth and prolongs the journey.
4. I am learning to love myself and accept love from others. Too often in the past I pushed it away.
5. I am learning to have a good time without drink.
6. This I just got exposed to a couple of nights ago and so am in the learning process. I am learning to let go of what other people think about me and say about me. This worry use to lead me to drink.