Day 40 or is it 41? I Am Still ON The Wagon

I didn’t realize that making time for posts would pose to be a struggle. But Oh you guys! I’ve gone through Hell and back and heading back in again. My son V’s surgery is THIS Tuesday!  I had 2 very bad anxiety attacks this weekend and found is EEEXXXTREEEEAMLY difficult to cope with it without a calming substance. I.e. Booze. A little bit of tears helped.  I just don’t even have time to cry. :'{ I had to right away take deep breathes and wipe my tears as the children kept calling for me.

I realized this weekend with all 7 children home and the tv blaring football and the computer on Mindcraft (computer is in the kitchen), the xbox blaring from V’s room right behind the kitchen wall, outside music, and the dogs whining or barking, oh and not to forget the noises shouting at me in my head, that I am completely have some kind of sensory issue. The DANG NOISE gets to me so bad, I just want to run out of the house and never come back! It stirs my anxiety to the highest level!  I HAVE GOT to get some tools to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Also while I was gone from posting (I still kept up with some of your blogs), my character has been attacked and I have been judged. 1st I got judged for working out too much (so far I’ve kept up working out 6 days a week BEFORE the children get up). They said that instead of spending time with my children I was being selfish and tending to my crazy ass!!!!!   Uuuum excuse me?  Just walk one day in my shoes.  Working out to me is a necessity.  Do they not care to know the physical demand being a caregiver to two boys is?  I HAVE to workout to strengthen my back, legs, arms, core. I HAVE to learn proper form. Also working out helps my mental state and helps me make better choices regarding what I put in my body the rest of the day.

Then I was judged for allowing my children to swim in our heated pool in our Texas 80 degree weather. I was told I am causing my children to be sick because prior to that I had to children with the flu.  Yup, I was dealing with that too while I was gone from posting.

In the past, being judged gave me a damn good reason to drink. But this time I said, “you know what? Fuck ya’ll!  You are not worth it!” and just keep living my life the best I know how and continuously be open for growth.

To top all that, I have been in great wrist pain. I think I have been lifting with my hands so much that it has caused some tears in my ligaments. I am trying to be more conscious and lift with my forearm more BUT I can’t always do it like that. My hands are necessary. At one point I was in so much pain, I couldn’t do much for anybody.

All this and I STILL haven’t drank!  Oh and did I tell you?  I even had hubby take me out to a bar for an hour (was going stir crazy in the house) just so I can have my 1st confidence booster of I’ve been to a bar and didn’t drink for the 1st time EVER!

Well, that’s it guys (that’s plenty really). I will check back in as the days come. I pray surgery goes well and I will soon be back to keep you guys posted.

Good night

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3 Replies to “Day 40 or is it 41? I Am Still ON The Wagon”

  1. Praying for your sons surgery to go smoothly and for you to find support and peace during this extremely difficult time.
    Congrats on doing this sober. You are a warrior!!

    Liked by 2 people

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