I made it! I made it! I made it! 2 more days without giving into drink! Oh MY, Day 65 was super super tough! It was excruciating to get through the day and not give in to the desire to numb my sorrow even for just a few hours.
I did the following to keep myself from giving into the craving and desire:
1. I posted on here in hopes to get help, to grab onto something, a phrase, a promise to make it through. The struggle was so intense and real!
2. I texted a friend telling her I have been obsessing about relapsing and planning on it in my head. She called me and helped me run the “tape” of what would happen if I did. Could I take care of V if I drank? What if I fall from in a transfer and hurt him or myself? Even if I waited till he slept, could I wake up for him in the middle of the night I told her I just wanted to mess up just for that day, say Fuck It and then get back to day one the next day being Christmas Eve (big drinking day for my family). I told her that I wish I could say that and DO that but was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get back to day one that fast. I told her I was afraid I would again say Fuck It and join my family on their drinking fest on Christmas eve and then say Fuck It again and tell myself that Day 1 could be on 1.1.15. I was afraid.
3. I Called my 18yr old son and asked him to join me to the funeral and confessed to him I was struggling for a drink and didn’t trust myself. I picked him up and he joined me and ended up spending the day with me.
4. I took my 3 boys out on a date. It was V’s first time out since surgery and we all wanted to watch the movie Exodus. We decided on the movie tavern where I told the boys I may order a glass of wine. Once sitted and waitress came, I had the drink menu in my hand about to order a glass of merlot when I looked up to her and said, “girl, I’m trying here. Will you please not let me order any alcoholic beverages from you?” She took the menu off my hands and asked me what kind of soda would I like? 🙂 I ordered a Diet coke with extra lime and lemon. I could tell the boys let out a sigh of relief.
5. Once home, I spend time with the boys and laughed and danced some. Hubby and I were still in a silent fight so we didn’t interact much but the boys kept us connected in just spending time with them.
6. I went to bed early.
The next morning, Hubby and I finally spoke to each other and we both ended up asking each other for forgiveness for our failures and mistakes we made in this argument. We both acknowledged and understood that I was starting to feel burnt out, tired and he didn’t really know how to step in and help me. So we talked all that out. Later he sent me an email where he stated he was SHOCKED I did not drink during this episode. He said on Monday, he was finding himself upset and feeling disappointed just KNOWING he was going to come home and find me drinking. Then again on Tuesday. He said that he had learned my pattern. When we don’t get along, I drink and he just didn’t want for that to happen and then also get blamed for my relapse. He wrote how very proud he is of me to have pushed through and of course how much he loved me.
I learned that my “relapse” or lack thereof is ALL MY choice. I know that life circumstances, hurts, pains, discomforts, and even people can all be “reasons for relapse” but the total truth is, no matter what….it’s STILL MY CHOICE! Tough tough tough lesson to learn here. I could never again think to blame my husband or anything else in my life for my drinking. It’s all me and all on me. My choice, my responsibility.
So, I spent my first Christmas eve with my family sober. It was a learning experience as well. I learned that I use to feel more “free” to drink with them and in excess in front of my kids and husband while around them because it gave me the excuse of “this is what I grew up with and all I know.” Which is true in part but not so in another as I started to become aware about my drinking problem.
It’s Christmas Eve tradition to spent it at my mom’s with my mom, sister, brother and whatever friend they invite over. Drinking is a Big Big part of this tradition as we all wait for midnight to open presents. When I got there with my kids, all 7 at 8ish, there were already people drunk. I had an uncle keep asking about my boys and why one was more disabled then the other. It was quite annoying but I remained patient and gave short answers as I knew he may not remember the more technical answer anyway if I had answered that way.
From 9 to midnight, most if not all the adults sans my husband and I were drunk and less aware of the children and the cursing and inappropriate conversations got louder! I curse and even that kind of behavior hurt my ears. It was too much. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. As we were packing to leave and in our cars around 1a.m., the music was fully blasted and the shots of liquor where started to get passed around.
On our way home, my sweet V said, “Mommy, I am so glad you don’t drink anymore so that I don’t have to worry about you driving us.” 😦 Broke my heart! But also felt grateful for my sobriety. The exact thought was….THANK GOD I DIDN’T RELAPSE!
So I made it! 😀 New Years eve is next in 6 days and after that, no drinking pressure for a little while. In these 2 months, I have had:
1. My first 2 months in a looooooong time!
2. My first sober belly laughs and healing crys.
3. My first date to a bar and not drink
4. My first concert without a drink and actually had a good time
5. My first Halloween without a drinking
6. My first Christmas Eve without drinking
7. My first hubby fight without then attempting to escape with drink
8. Oh and I also had my first not drinking because someone was talking about me or didn’t like me. (gosh so many stupid reasons why I drank)
Thank you so much for your supporting and reading. Once more I will apologize for any and all mistakes I make while I type. Proofreading is just something I don’t really have time for. I gotta get to sleep. Early morning 5 or 6 am workouts all this week and next.
Good Night and God Bless.