Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been hiding out as you may have been able to tell. I’ve been lying to myself and not wanting to face the full truth of my internal conflicts. You see I have briefly substituted my NO Drinking habits with other habits. Both good and bad.
Habit #1: 5 to 6 days a week workouts with a NO Excuse mentality (down 11lbs! woohoo)
Habit #2: obsessed with eating clean (feeling better)!
Habit #3: Obsessed with hubby getting into shape and him eating clean as well (this is bonding us!) 🙂
Habit #4: (and the worst one by far), smoking pot
Sigh. I just took a deep breath. Let me start first by saying (just in case anyone out there wants to start judging) I know the facts here:
Fact #1: This does NOT make me sober
Fact #2: All the new substitutes are still things getting in the way of some deep wounded work
Face #3: This is a journey NOT a destination and this is also part of my progress NOT perfection!
So there, although I know the FACTS, I also know ME and I NEED to continue to count my days so that I can keep that “no drinking” momentum. Truth of the fact is: Drinking was the BIGGEST hurdle ever and still is and I KNOW that by engaging in bad habits, I am NOT protecting my “Sobriety.”
So there is my confession. I was doing fine and well until Christmas Eve when my brother and his guests were smoking. I took a hit. Just one. As the night progressed, he handed me his little stash because he was drunk and told me to hold it (about 2 cigarette’s worth) and I’ve been taking A hit here and there while I do house chores (which for some reason I use to do this while drinking, the house chores that is. Perhaps I like numbing myself before the large task, I don’t know? Haven’t really looked into it yet). Anyway…today was my last hit. Pot is not easily available to me nor do I know where to get it. So it is not a threat, I just need to learn to continue to get tools that help me deal with life. It’s obvious that I struggle with addictive tendencies. No moderation here.
The point is: I came to Blog so that I can be held accountable and not only so I can report on how many “happy, not happy” (took this from feelingmywaybackintolife’s blogs, which I love) days I’ve been sober. I came here to sober up and I’m having a struggle with it and I need to tell you that.
Now I’m back and will continue to report on my 2 steps forward, one step back journey. Keep your fingers crossed for me 🙂