Day 91 NO Drinking: Why do I self sabotage?

I am so super happy to type that not only did I run the Full Marathon untrained but I PR’d last years time which I fully trained for. Last year I finished running the full 26.2 miles in 5 hours and 59, this year I finished in 5 hours and 19 minutes. I was/am elated.  I totally had the runners high yesterday.

I made a list of what was different between my trained year (Jan, 2014) and untrained year (Jan, 2015)

1. TRAINED YEAR: I was drinking daily. About 6 drinks a day. Usually a full bottle of wine plus two beers. Because I was drinking lots, I was eating all the wrong kinds of foods, greasy, fried, overly processed “foods” if that’s what you want to call it, “food.”  UNTRAINED YEAR:  I stopped drinking and started to eat clean. Marathon day was not only my 3 month no drinking date but also I was at the end of week 12 of consistent exercise and clean eating.

2. TRAINED YEAR: I weighed 147 lbs on Marathon Day UNTRAINED YEAR: I weigh 138lbs. It makes a difference, trust me.

3. TRAINED YEAR: I peed at every water station which is located at almost every mile UNTRAINED YEAR: I only peed twice. 🙂  I don’t know what THAT was all about last year.

3. TRAINED YEAR: I wore the wrong clothes and irritated my skin TRAINED YEAR: I invested in some awesome compression pants AND I taped my kneed and Achilles really well. I swear this worked awesomely

And the list goes on but more about small technical details. The point is thought that I was smarter about this marathon and more clear headed. I did get to reflect some and even memorized a verse:

Corinthians 9:24-27 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize

I also listened to a couple of chapters of Wild through my Audible app.

I really attempted to go within myself and answer my own question of “Why do I feel like I need to hurt myself?” There is something that tugs at me when I am doing “good” for myself that rebels against me. In other words, why do I self sabotage?

I don’t know the answer.  But I am searching.

Gotta go. My boys want to watch a movie with me. Will write more later. But first some pics of me in my Marathon gear.  I run for RunForOurSons, an organization raising money to fund research for a cure for Duchenne MD.



Day 1: No Pot


6 Replies to “Day 91 NO Drinking: Why do I self sabotage?”

  1. Wow Light! Wow! 🙂 Wow on how good you look!!! Wow on your running!!! Wow on how amazing it is that you do so much for your children. And wow, wow, wow, wow, wow in a HURRAY FOR YOU, hurray for life, hurray for the universe – happy that you quit congrats on day 91! Cool! You rock!!!
    HUGS AND KISSES!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you all so much for the encouragement!

    Yes, I need to understand the why so that I can recognize it the next time and start the process of changing the pattern. I think there IS something to say about trying to “control” what hurts me…like for example, I can’t control the pain and hurt my children’s disease puts us through but I can control the pain I cause myself. I don’t know if that even makes sense


  3. Sorry I somehow overlooked the selfsabotage point. I am not sure, but I think that selfsabotage is learned behavior. If I understood it all, Melanie Klein says something along the lines of: We depend fully on the mother, she is the source of all that is Good. If the mother gets angry it hurts us, we get angry because of the hurt. If we direct the hurt at the mother we damage the source of the Good. That is why we redirect the hurt at ourselves. I am guessing this is how nature works. I also think it takes us to where we learn about right and wrong.

    Problem is: mankind tends to misunderstand and overdo this and adds withdrawing of the love from the child or separating the child from the community when it has done something that is considered to be bad manners. I am guessing that is where we learn to punish ourselves and turn guilt into shame and self-destruction.

    I do believe this is how it works. I have, in earlier therapies experienced, or relived experiences, I don’t know, but I believe the energy within or the direction of what I remembered from her story is correct. It might not be the answer that you hoped for but I do hope this theory helps you find an, I don’t know, entry into this matter?

    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

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