Of course my computer would be dying right when I really want to write about what is bugging me. My husband and I have been on different pages, maybe even different books and we just can’t seem to communicate effectively. Not that communication was easy when I was drinking. Truth be told, I fault myself for a lot of our fights in those days (I realize they aren’t that far away) however since I’ve become alcohol free and more observant of myself and getting to the “why’s” of my life and doing all the hard work in therapy, I’ve become more aware and more in tune and able to efficiently communicate usually successfully able to connect the dots of my triggers to my past and my feelings and so on and so forth.
Lately, husband can’t seem to handle my introspective views and wanting to go deeper (emotionally) into our relationship. He doesn’t seem to handle me “needing” him very well. I am constantly fighting with my heart to stay vulnerable to him and to be patient but sometimes, my wounds run deep from my childhood sexual and physical abuse and then the wounds of my children with terminal disease, that I can’t hold on and want to start building those walls that protected me for so many years.
Sigh. I gotta go and stop typing. Computer is dying.
Day 4 No smoking pot