I’m broken…

or am I?

With recovery comes knowledge. Recovery allows one to see things through crystal clear glasses and the haze and confusion and bs lies one tells him or herself during addiction/denial can no longer serve us.

I am currently struggling with this. While in my daily drinking numbness, it was so easy to see what the problem was. It was obviously ME and my self hatred and self destruction. The spotlight was constantly on me and everyone else was able to hide in the shadows of that spotlight. In my mind, the image of a night club comes to play the scene. There is the spot light on the dance floor, grabbing all the attention and focus of the dancers and then there are the dark corners where people sneak to make out, do drugs and get inappropriate. Now that the spotlight is off of me (no one seems to give a damn if I’m sober or not), the lights are exposing those people closest to me who’ve been hiding.

NightClubDancing

What do I do? Look, I know what it’s like to be in those dark places and I don’t want to judge, point out, nor expose those whom I now see in that place but at the same time, I can’t deny what is going one nor can I suddenly take off the crystal clear glasses for I am no longer lost in confusion.

My husband struggles with something. No its not drugs and alcohol. Not women, not porn. Nothing “serious” like that. He struggles with being irresponsible with money. It’s bad. It affects me and our household. In the last couple of days we have been fighting over the subject and I couldn’t reach any reason with him. His denial was strong.

Coping with this has caused a tremendous trigger to drink. My mind would say that being without the glasses was so much easier. That being in confusion beats seeing the people I love as immature and selfish.

I even got as far as parking at a bar’s parking lot, turned off my car and opened the door. Then I shut it. My kid’s faces came to mind. What good is it to them if mommy drinks? They would be disappointed for sure. It’s not their fault that the adults that are responsible to care for them can’t get along right now.  They need protection, security and reassurance. And it’s my responsibility to give that to them. They deserve for mommy to pick them up sober after school with no regrets and proceed with our afternoon activities of working out, church, homework, baths, etc;. So I drove off and met my husband instead for lunch. We argued, fought through our frustrations and ended up resolving to attempting to work it out. :’)

So am I broken for needing to have my crystal clear glasses on? Or am I building myself up by facing the world as it is?

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4 Replies to “I’m broken…”

  1. You are definitely not broken. You are doing the hard things. Taking steps to make your life better.

    Don’t let others destructive behaviour tempt you to indulge in your own. The only way you will ever figure this out is with a clear and open mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Of course you are not broken. It’s an everyday effort to do your best. You have to have those crystal clear glasses on to build yourself to face anything that gets you off the course. Just some days are easier than others and sometimes you gotta clean those glasses off to see clearly what might be obstructing your path.

    Liked by 1 person

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