Day 27. Back again

Hello to all my sober bloggers!  It has been so good to read what all of you have been up to. It’s so neat to see so much progress.  It’s encouraging.

Well, I left…got drunk and had a hell of a time getting sober again.  I was shocked when I was trying and kept falling. I figured I had 9months sobriety, I could just quite drinking easily again (totally forgot it wasn’t easy to begin with).  So I stayed in the haze for 3 months and it was HELL ON EARTH!  Knowing what I got to discover in my absense from drinking but then still drink was absolute torture! I was letting myself down, my kids, my husband. I was behaving in ways I never wanted to see myself behave again and it was awful.  I’d have to say, it was by far the darkest place I have ever been in.

Today, I have gone 27 days without booze and I’m real good with that.  Today I understand that my 3 month relapse had it’s purpose. I believe the 1st 9 months I mostly leaned on will power to get me from day to day.  Today, there is a STRONG conviction that I could NEVER EVER drink again.  Even though I had wished to celebrate my 1 year last month and wished I didn’t let my loved ones down,  I am also grateful I am at a place with more knowledge, conviction and faith.

Thank you for reading.  I appreciate you and your journey.

Happy sober sunday

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7 Replies to “Day 27. Back again”

  1. Hi Light,
    Good that you are back. 🙂 It sounds like you looked the Beast in the eyes and walked away. Good. Good. Very good. 🙂 That takes strength and insight. It sounds like you are now in a better place then you were before. Beautiful, I am happy for you, and for me because you are back. 🙂
    Hugs and kisses,
    Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Welcome back.
    I’m sorry you had to find that out the hard way, but it’s over and you are back and there’s lots of living yet up to do!
    Thank you for sharing your experience. I helps me stay resolved to be sober indefinitely!

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Simple words cannot communicate how your post just stopped the swing of a very large liquid wrecking ball coming my way and certain to very soon crash into me.

    Duchenne. And a 22 month brutal Divorce. And recovery. It’s a lot and no one knows it. It’s a lot and no one can come close to knowing it

    I’m thinking you do though.

    No one warned me in recovery the pain of dualing the emotions of a cruel disease and an even crueler sociopath of an ex husband I didn’t know was a sociopath because I had my head so far up Duchennes ass I never saw him coming.

    There is little that remains of the person I used to be and I hate, don’t even know who it is, I’ve become.

    I was trolling online and I stumbled onto your post and about 3 lines into it I stood up straight. I had been leaning over the counter, where I have been leaning in shock I think, for a long time. Reading everything and nothing while hearing the Ticking clock on my kitchen wall. I hate that clock.

    Thank you. You likely just saved an 8 year old with Duchenne from full custody with the father that thinks it is his right to spank his son. Never mind compromised balance or impulse control compliments of deflazacort.

    Ok TMI just wanted to thank you for the save

    Sent from my iPhone

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi honey, I do know the exact pain you are going through. THAT ASSHOLE, Duchenne kept me in a drunken black hole for years before the relief it provided no longer was available. Instead, it added to the pain my boys where/are experiencing because of the ruthless disease and added to my own shame. Instead of being a run-away, I became a bully trying to control my town of a family. I bullied/manipulated my family with my mood swings, absence, inconsistent and inappropriate behavior. Just wasn’t worth it and it’s definitely not worth it to try again fooling myself into thinking I can just have one drink to be relieved of the pain. I still struggle with allowing the pain to be felt and acknowledged. There is so much one can replace the process of grieving with like tv, workouts, bad eating habits, smoking, etc. I am personally on a journey to make grieving an OK thing in my life, to letting it be my professor and me a good student of it as I strongly believe our lives with Duchenne has a higher purpose/calling for our mommy lives and our children’s. Please count on me…I want to take this journey with you. We are already bonded by our pain. Hugs. Stay strong

      Like

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