Growth. How do you feel about this word?
I feel anxiety surfacing from the place within me that resists such a thing. Growth equates to struggle in my mind and body. It terrifies me not knowing where it will take me. The scared child within shivers and says, “but we are fine where we are.”
We are not really fine. I don’t go around claiming to know a lot and I’m certainly no kind of expert, but I DO KNOW when growth demands to be known and explored and pursued. It comes from my very soul. The very place that desires for my health, my peace, it desires that I love me. All of which is rewarding, the price for the struggle and pain one has to endure as growth does just that…grow.
The negative side of growth however is that at times it leads you to open your eyes to that which you have spend much times, many days of drinking, numbing yourself to avoid looking at.
I’m sure I’m stating the obvious for many of you. To be specific, the growth trying to grab a hold of me in my life at this time is regarding free will and love.
It has recently come to my attention that I am possibly mostly loving out of a codependent state. And as growth starts to take it’s root, I am afraid that this is true of me. I wonder how many people around me love me from their free will or are loving me to enable my codependency. Codependents can be quite manipulative you know. So much to unravel. So many questions arise. We will see where this journey takes me.
Precious 30 days.