Many of times today the thought of my earthly father came into my mind. I found myself daydreaming as I once did as a little girl of a father that wasn’t mine. A kind, gentle dad whom loved me like a father should. A dad whom protected me and kept me safe. A dad whom taught me to love myself because of his love for me. Instead, I got a dad whom molested me all throughout my childhood and young preteen life. He taught me how to drink. He taught me that sex was love and that men would leave me if I didn’t give them what they wanted. So sad, but true.
I wanted to wish a Happy Father’s Day to my own dad, I wanted to celebrate it with someone that represented a father figure in my life. Unfortunately, I couldn’t really think of any man in my life that acted in such a way. My pastor was my first thought, but he truly has been my pastor and he calls me a dear beloved friend. I sat and looked back to see if he ever told me that he loved me like one of his daughters and realized that he had not although I did admire the love he gave to his children and remember wishing I was adopted by him and his lovely wife.
There’s my father-in-law, but he hasn’t stood in that gap for me. He has been a great father-in-law, but not a father figure to me. He cares and loves and protects his son, my husband, and because of that I can feel safe under his umbrella of love.
In the end, I realized that I do have a daddy. His name is Jesus Christ. I’ve been a Christian since 1999 but have had my struggles in trusting a God that is “man” and I definitely couldn’t see him as a Father. It’s been a long journey but I think that recently I’ve come to accept him as a father to me. I’ve come to see his love for me. It’s not all clear yet but I get glimpses of how he cares for me, loves me, protects me and comforts me. I pray I continue to see him as a dad and allow him to teach me to love, to love myself as he loves me and teaches me to respect myself as he would have me do. I’m grateful for this and can even find the joy even if sorrow also accompanies it because truth be told, I also feel the loss of not having an earthly daddy that can physically hold me and comfort me. I wish I had a daddy.
I’m learning to be okay in that sadness and mourn what I have never had. I am accepting that it is appropriate to have these feelings since my basic needs were not met as a child. Although my first reaction to all this sadness is to drink and be numb, I am pushing through and letting it be.
Happy Father’s Day to all the real dads in this world! Your children are blessed to have you