I haven’t written as I am in the cloud of “blah.” I don’t feel I have much to say. My life has been the same day after day since I last wrote. My son is still sick and so the routine of caring for him and sleepless nights continue. My relationship with my husband is stuck in a crazy cycle of misunderstandings, lack of communication and sadness. I feel and don’t feel and at times I’m not even sure I’m feeling at all. Numbness all over again except without the booze. I’m just moving through it all or not moving at all. In between caring for my son, I’ve been binge watching tv, taking naps and eating oh so bad. I have even picked up a pack of cigarettes. This must be withdrawal.
I have the tendency to pity myself and to down right be mean to myself. Here lately, I have pushed play on the word “grace.” Grace my dear, give yourself grace. Just for today, don’t concern yourself of anything else like what you are eating or doing, just be sure you are not drinking or using. I haven’t made it to any AA meetings which I actually want to. I really want a sponsor, someone I can talk to during my temptations. Many circumstances have come up like me not having a vehicle, my son being sick and now we have a guest in our home. The way I am currently working my recovery is through prayer and coffee. Yes! This is the highlight of my days. I wake and pour myself a cup of delicious, soothing, hot coffee and open my bible and write my prayers in my journal. It brings me so much peace and comfort. I continuously seek my God to show me how to lean on him for all my wants, needs, desires and troubles. I am asking him to teach me to live by his grace and draw from his strength and be sober minded. This seems to work really nice and keeps me accountable for the day.
I have always kept a journal. Since I was about 14 or so. From the age of 21 till now (I’m 38 turning 39 this Friday) my journal pages were full of pleading to God to rid me of my desire for alcohol, drugs and sex. Lately, a creative spirit has been stirring inside me and has prompted me to do something different with this journal making it’s pages become more dear and special to me. I pray at the end of this journal, it will become my favorite. Not only because of the art I created inside of it but because of all the changes God will have done in my life in this season including Him answering my prayer. I look forward to the last page of this journal and I am holding on to hope that this book will be set apart from the others and that a new me, the me that was always meant to…becomes.