…through Christ whom strengthens me. ❤
A memory of a certain time in my life keeps surfacing in my consious.
This memory takes me back to when I was 17 (wow! how appropriate, the number 17). I had been in a relationship with a boy named Joe Kelley whom was 19. He was an early college graduate and an entrepreneur. He owned two businesses, a video store and a convenient store and was pursuing real estate properties. We were sexually involved yet protected and also smoked pot together. One evening he confesses to me that when he was young while he still lived with his parents (he was later adopted by his aunt and her husband) his dad physically abused him to the point where he kicked him so hard in his private area and was told he couldn’t never have children. I remember feeling like I wanted to love him so much to make up for all the love he lacked while growing up. That evening we didn’t use protection.
Fast forward to 3 months later, a positive pregnancy test, me looking for him to tell him, finding him with another girl and him choosing her while he pointed a laser gun to my stomach, leaving me with so much heartache and pregnant. I told my mom whom at that very moment kicked me out of our house with no clothes or money. It was then that I became a homeless pregnant 17 year old girl. I had nowhere to go and so I found a way to speak to his aunt. I had never been to his home before but I wasn’t surprised by how beautiful it was as Joe was so successful. I knocked on the door, I asked the woman whom answered the door if she was Joe’s aunt and her answer was…”no, I’m his mom,” in an accent I didn’t recognize. I was invited in and it was there that I found out that this Joe Kelley guy was actually (Arabic name). He never even finished Junior High School, the businesses he ran where his parent’s and that he was a big time dope dealer. Due to their Arabic culture, he had already been sent to Palenstine by the time I came to knock on their door to ask the hand of a young girl whom had been promised to him. An arranged marriage. So back to the streets I had to go.
I was beyond devastated. I was a small town girl of a population of only 2000 people. I was new to the city of Houston, Texas. I had no idea that people were capable of lying like that. I spent many nights in stranger’s homes, but the love that I felt for my unborn son willed me to fight. I started working at McDonald’s and had employees and employers whom cared for me deeply and then I learned the bus system and found a school for young pregnant teen moms. I attended high school there and learned at the same time about how to care for a baby. I also started attending night high school so I can hurry and finish high school and pursue a better paying job after my baby was born so I can support us. I ended up walking a graduation stage even though not with my own class with my baby boy watching from the stands.
This memory, brings lots of emotions and I’m allowing myself to feel them. I am grateful and see how God protected me and sustained me during these times. I can’t begin to tell you how many times my life was in danger and because of God, I was spared. The feeling I hold on to the most is the feeling of empowerment. My children give me so much strength to fight for them. I love them with all of me. God help me when it’s time for you to take them from me! What will become of me?
It has been this memory and that feeling and my love for my boys that I have decided to walk away from my marriage for a little while. I have done so many hard things here and endured great pain, I am ready to just focus on my children who’s disease takes them away from me everyday. I can’t take care of a man right now. Tonight, we will pack some things and tomorrow, we will leave.
Pray for me, may God continue to give me the strength and endurance to keep my sobriety so I can move forward with no guilt or shame and with a clear mind.
I am empowered by knowing…I CAN DO HARD THINGS!