Day 22: Merlin the Cat

Never had I ever had thoughts nor wishes nor desires of owning a cat. I labeled myself as a dog person and thought I disliked cats. I believed the superstitions surrounding them and had a personal almost hate for them. You see, my ex husband had brought two kittens home and soon after, he abandoned me and our son. I was pregnant and was left to clean the kitty litter. Five months into my pregnancy I fell extremely ill and found that the bacteria the kitty litter carried got into my placenta and shortly after, I misscarried. 

Fast forward twelve years and 11 months later, as I walked out of a bar with my current husband and some friends of ours, I heard a loud meeeeoow. I looked down and saw this sweet kitten looking right at me. 

Immediately I felt a strong bond with him. We connected instantly. I picked him up and my husband insisted I set him back down and let him go, but he followed me all the way to our car and home he went with me. 

I fell fast in love with this angel. 

He became my companion. He was always there when I worked on craft projects,

When I folded laundry 

When I showered my sons and when I was getting ready. Always by my side he was. 

 Now as I write, I am again filled with pain and tears. I don’t want to share exactly what happened as it’s too personal and involves my husband too much and I don’t want to speak for him, just know that my Merlin is no longer with me and it’s breaking my heart! 

My love is no longer with me and it hurts! I woke up this morning and sobbed from the physical pain I felt due to my heartache. He has been gone since yesterday. I seriously wonder if I will ever live without this pain? I felt I couldn’t breath this morning from the pain. 

How am I going to get over this? I hurt so bad. If it feels like this with losing my pet love, how much more the pain of one day losing my children to their disease? Oh God, help me! I won’t be able to bare it!?

It’s been an incredibly tough day and yet I remained sober. Sad, depressed, in ugly tears, but sober. My boys helped me so much today. They laid with me, prayed for me and gave me lots of kisses as they reassure me it will be okay. 

But will it? Will my heart forever ache for him?


15 Replies to “Day 22: Merlin the Cat”

  1. I’m so sorry for you! I always was a cat person, and a few years ago, we took two kittens in our home. Unfortunately, one of them got in a fight (or so we assume) and never came home again. We searched for him everywhere. The other one was my special dear, a small female, quirky and cute, one that comes to you and lies on your chest. One day in december, she went out and didn’t come back. We searched for her and then found out she drowned in the neighbour’s pool 😦 Since then, we thought about getting one or two again, but I don’t know if I can’t stand losing one again.
    I think of you and pray for you – keep strong in your purpose ❤ You're not alone! May God calm you in ths turmoil and give you the strength you need. Lots of love and blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your sweet encouragement. I woke up in tears again. It’s so heartbreaking, I know you know. I’m so sorry about your kittens as well. What special creatures they are. I’m thankful I got to love and be loved by one. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ooh honney, I am sorry for your loss. I would not have a clue what to do when my cat would not be with me anymore. And yes indeed, I understand the fear and the comparison. 😦 I have no words of solace other than: people do get through this eventhough it might look like there is nothing but darkness and pain at this moment. Let it all out. Light will come.
    Sending hugs and love,
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What wonderful pictures, thank you for sharing Merlin and celebrating his life with us!. Losing a pet is a special kind of trauma, for sure. They give us such unconditional love, loving us through all of our faults and imperfections. This, on top of everything else you are going through is rough. Great job remaining sober and grieving with clarity. Many hugs being virtually sent your way!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is so hard. I’m so sad. I thank you for letting me know it’s okay. I felt maybe I was being too dramatic especially if I compared the lose of my cat to the lose of my sons. I feel comfort in knowing that this is “a special kind of trauma.” You’ve blessed me. Thank you ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Glad to hear you are okay. 🙂 ❤
        Not sure what to make of the 'okay but still sober'. 😀 😀 😀 Is that a variation on a Freudian slip or did you delete a sentence inbetween?
        I'm gonna watch Recovery 2.0, Wishing you a nice weekend!
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol, I’m okay as in I’m good because I’m sober, I have felt happiness and joy. It’s felt great to have mental clarity and trust my thoughts. Yet sometimes I’m not okay because the reality of the hell I was living is coming alive. I have so many unknowns in my future that scare me and so many changes coming which feels utterly uncomfortable. Yet still, I’m just glad I’m still sober at the end of the day.

        Liked by 1 person

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