Day 33: Emotional Abuse

In the last several days, I find myself hitting the play button to the many fights and arguments I had in my marriage. I find myself pausing and rewinding listening carefully to the words expressed, I hit rewind once again, yet this time paying attention to the facial expressions and body language.  Towards the end, right before I left, the words were expressed only by one of us as I usually walked away and wouldn’t come back to the argument protecting myself from any confusion that was to follow. 

I once wrote a blog titled I’m Broken. I felt utterly confused and felt that everything was my fault. I had believed that all our marriage problems where about me drinking alcohol. It was so easy to believe that as my problem because being drunk was obvious and because I was open and honest about having a problem. However, once sober, I was still the problem. Shortly after that blog after many months of sobriety, I drank. I felt I wasn’t worth it in the end. 

As I go back, only to observe and not get into the arguments I’m playing back, I clearly see how I was easily confused. Gaslighting was the name of his game. He used his words, his strength, the bible to get my mind twisted and confused. 

I truly started to believe it was me and so the drinking and numbing continued. It even had come to points where I had slapped myself on two occasions as he came at me with his twisted words. He felt like a bully during these times who wouldn’t let up. 

This week has been difficult as there’s a possibility that I may have to move out of this safe haven for a time while the owner comes into town and stays in their home for possibly a week or so. It’s uncomfortable at times to stay in other people’s homes and so I felt I had no other choice than to go back to him. I couldn’t see myself dragging my boys to another location let alone finding one. I surprised myself as I wailed in sorrow and…”what was that, that I was feeling?” FEAR!  I felt scared to go back! I couldn’t really believe that I felt that way. It was upon that realization that I then knew, I can’t go back because I matter. 

And so I pray and have faith that God will open doors and I will find another temporary place. I pray for the protection of my children and pray to come to a place we can call our own real soon. 

Please lift us in your prayers as well. 

P.S.  I’ve come to enjoy the messages I receive in my social media. Can you tell? 😊


7 Replies to “Day 33: Emotional Abuse”

  1. Isn’t it wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time that regardless of the place, time or situation, the common themes and hideous effects of emotional abuse are so similar? I too had an emotionally abusive marriage and despite me leaving him 3 years ago, he still uses our children to perpetuate his war. So tiring. Thank you for sharing your stories 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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