Woke up to a rainy and dreary morning. I’m thankful for it as it gives me permission to feel the gloominess of my soul. Being my children’s only caregiver and only parent with no rest doesn’t allow me to stop and feel sometimes.
I felt lonely and alone. You see, I am fatherless as are my boys and my family lacks the tools to be supportive of me and my life and circumstances. I realized as I pondered this loneliness that for all of my life, this feeling has been with me. Neglected and abused as a child, kicked out of the home as a teen and then cycling from one destructive unloving relationship after another…I’ve always felt lonely, unlovable with a constant heartbreak.
I know I have my God and I chose to be grateful for my circumstances as they keep me close to him. As I started to mourn over my dreams of a “happily ever after,” I felt my God calling me to his word.
At first glance at this verse, I wanted so badly to pray this prayer over my boys whom are confined to their wheelchairs. I wanted to call out in the Name of Jesus for them to GET UP AND WALK! “Lord, Lord…how shall I pray? What are you telling me here!”
As I kept drawing, it came to me. We all live in a fallen world full of pain, sorrow and sadness. God showed me where I was lame. The dictionary defines lame as this:
:having an injured leg or foot that makes walking difficult or painful
: not strong, good, or effective
: not smart or impressive
I can relate to the last two definitions. Yes! I have disabilities. Not visible, yet they are here within me. I alone can’t be strong enough to conquer these difficulties, I am not so good in character that only good should be in my life. I am not effective in tackling this world alone. I am neither smart or impressive enough to outsmart pain and sorrow. NO! I need help. I need Him who has conquered death, He whom promises to never leave me nor forsake me. All I need to mend this lame and broken heart is Faith in Jesus Christ. And that’s all I need.