Day 10 Give yourself Grace just for today

I haven’t written as I am in the cloud of “blah.” I don’t feel I have much to say.  My life has been the same day after day since I last wrote.  My son is still sick and so the routine of caring for him and sleepless nights continue.  My relationship with my husband is stuck in a crazy cycle of misunderstandings, lack of communication and sadness. I feel and don’t feel and at times I’m not even sure I’m feeling at all.  Numbness all over again except without the booze.  I’m just moving through it all or not moving at all.  In between caring for my son, I’ve been binge watching tv, taking naps and eating oh so bad.  I have even picked up a pack of cigarettes.  This must be withdrawal.

I have the tendency to pity myself and to down right be mean to myself.  Here lately, I have pushed play on the word “grace.”  Grace my dear, give yourself grace.  Just for today, don’t concern yourself of anything else like what you are eating or doing, just be sure you are not drinking or using.  I haven’t made it to any AA meetings which I actually want to.  I really want a sponsor, someone I can talk to during my temptations.  Many circumstances have come up like me not having a vehicle, my son being sick and now we have a guest in our home.   The way I am currently working my recovery is through prayer and coffee.  Yes! This is the highlight of my days.  I wake and pour myself a cup of delicious, soothing, hot coffee and open my bible and write my prayers in my journal.  It brings me so much peace and comfort.  I continuously seek my God to show me how to lean on him for all my wants, needs, desires and troubles.  I am asking him to teach me to live  by his grace and draw from his strength and be sober minded.  This seems to work really nice and keeps me accountable for the day.

I have always kept a journal.  Since I was about 14 or so.  From the age of 21 till now (I’m 38 turning 39 this Friday) my journal pages were full of pleading to God to rid me of my desire for alcohol, drugs and sex.  Lately, a creative spirit has been stirring inside me and has prompted me to do something different with this journal making it’s pages become more dear and special to me.  I pray at the end of this journal, it will become my favorite.  Not only because of the art I created inside of it but because of all the changes God will have done in my life in this season including Him answering my prayer.  I look forward to the last page of this journal and I am holding on to hope that this book will be set apart from the others and that a new me, the me that was always meant to…becomes.

OilPasterARt1

Day 6 Father’s Day

Many of times today the thought of my earthly father came into my mind.  I found myself daydreaming as I once did as a little girl of a father that wasn’t mine.  A kind, gentle dad whom loved me like a father should.  A dad whom protected me and kept me safe. A dad whom taught me to love myself because of his love for me.  Instead, I got a dad whom molested me all throughout my childhood and young preteen life.  He taught me how to drink.  He taught me that sex was love and that men would leave me if I didn’t give them what they wanted.  So sad, but true.

worlds-best-dad

I wanted to wish a Happy Father’s Day to my own dad, I wanted to celebrate it with someone that represented a father figure in my life.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t really think of any man in my life that acted in such a way.  My pastor was my first thought, but he truly has been my pastor and he calls me a dear beloved friend.  I sat and looked back to see if he ever told me that he loved me like one of his daughters and realized that he had not although I did admire the love he gave to his children and remember wishing I was adopted by him and his lovely wife.

There’s my father-in-law, but he hasn’t stood in that gap for me.  He has been a great father-in-law, but not a father figure to me.  He cares and loves and protects his son, my husband, and because of that I can feel safe under his umbrella of love.

In the end, I realized that I do have a daddy.  His name is Jesus Christ.  I’ve been a Christian since 1999 but have had my struggles in trusting a God that is  “man” and I definitely couldn’t see him as a Father.  It’s been a long journey but I think that recently I’ve come to accept him as a father to me.  I’ve come to see his love for me.  It’s not all clear yet but I get glimpses of how he cares for me, loves me, protects me and comforts me.  I pray I continue to see him as a dad and allow him to teach me to love, to love myself as he loves me and teaches me to respect myself as he would have me do.  I’m grateful for this and can even find the joy even if sorrow also accompanies it because truth be told, I also feel the loss of not having an earthly daddy that can physically hold me and comfort me.  I wish I had a daddy.

 

I’m learning to be okay in that sadness and mourn what I have never had.  I am accepting that it is appropriate to have these feelings since my basic needs were not met as a child. Although my first reaction to all this sadness is to drink and be numb, I am pushing through and letting it be.

Happy Father’s Day to all the real dads in this world!  Your children are blessed to have you

 

 

Day 5 Beauty and Wine

Oh the appeal of mixing beauty with wine. 

I’m a makeup artist, I use to be more so until I realized that I was having wine, too much wine, at every event. It didn’t matter if it was for a bachelorette, a photo shoot or a wedding…alcohol was surely always to be there and sometimes even pot. 

Once, four years ago, I had way too much. It was a Christmas party that I was getting the ladies of the house ready for. Long after they were done, As I was gathering my things, I drank wine from the glasses they left behind while they went on to their party. I remember their frustration that I hadn’t left and there guests where arriving. 

I drove home drunk that night and preceded to have an angry episode against my husband while his daughter witnessed it. Oh the shame of that day! I’ve forgiven myself since and have asked them for forgiveness as well. 

That’s the time I decided to quite doing makeup. It has been just recently that I have picked up my brushes and started to do makeup again. This time not as a job but more like a hobby, an artistic outlet. 

Today, I had a client. I was getting her ready for her 30th High School Reunion party. She came in, hung her dress, started getting things out of her bag and pulls out a bottle of wine with enough wine for two, to share, she says. 

I go and bring two wine glasses and she pours. I thought that maybe one won’t hurt after all there won’t be more after that one. 

I started on the task of doing her makeup and while girl-talking, I am aware that one won’t do. It never does. I will find a way to get more in the house after she leaves and will drink tomorrow too. After all, I’ve had a severely stressful morning with a sick child along with several spousal arguments. All reasons to not stop drinking once I get started and so I left the glass alone, instead I focused to perfect the makeup look. Once my client finished her glass, I told her I was suffering with reflux and that she could have my glass and she took it.  

 I am one to be completely open and honest about my struggles. I am not ashamed to say I struggle with alcohol, just ask my church members and friends, so why didn’t I just let her know I was going sober?  I’ll tell you why. Because I didn’t want to close the door on future glasses of wine with her. I like her and her company. I’ve been around her several times and have enjoyed her company with and without wine. She doesn’t struggle like I do and I wish to be like that but I’m not. 

This too could have been cause to just say F it and go for the drink, after all, looks like I’m not ready to give it up for life. Yet I chose another route today. I chose to tell myself, just for today…don’t drink. I’m very grateful for this and thank God for giving me yet another day of strength and courage. 

As I reflect, I do wonder why beauty and wine do often go together? I myself would pour me a glass or two while getting myself ready for an event. It felt glamorous to do so. When did this start in history? Ancient Roman women maybe?  Doesn’t really make sense. Beauty and wine DONT go together for many reasons including the inflammation wine causes on the face, premature aging, dry lips and the list goes on. It’s interesting, to say the least, on how we’ve come to associate beauty accompanied by poison. 

In conclusion, I look forward for real beauty in me and lieu of the illusion of beauty. I look forward In finding my true beautiful self within and let it shine. I look forward for my skin to rehydrate and glow after the poison leaves my body. I look forward to my eyes lightening up and not drag from hangovers and sleep disturbances due to the sugar in the wine. I look forward to getting back my natural energy so I can move more and feel even better. Here is to another day closer to that. 

Day 5, I’m proud of you. 

Day 4 all over again

I woke up and immediately thought about drink. My mind racing to justify a day with it.

“You can start Monday,” says my mind.

“No! You’ve already started!” My souls replies in my defense.

I lay myself down now and am thankful to my God for giving me the strength and courage in surviving a day without my enemy.  The day was filled with “real” life, real hurt and pain, real wounds, real issues and I didn’t hide behind the numbness of alcohol or pot. I had to face the reality of the sad state of my marriage, the declining health of my two boys with muscular dystrophy. I faced it while sober.

I had to see myself in pictures on Facebook from a recent destination wedding trip to Puerto Rico and really see how much weight I have gained (over 40 lbs) and it shows so badly. I could hardly bare it. I didn’t even recognize myself.  I faced it anyway and did so sober.

It was a tough day and more to come, I’m sure of it, but will also count the victories. I am glad I added on another day of detoxing my body of alcohol. I have added another day in clearing away the fog in my mind. My liver is happy I didn’t invade it with my usual bottle of wine plus 4 beers. I have added another day in getting closer to trusting myself.  I am thankful for these things and with those thoughts, I lay my head down content.

Good night and God bless

30 Days: Growth

Growth.  How do you feel about this word?

I feel anxiety surfacing from the place within me that resists such a thing. Growth equates to struggle in my mind and body. It terrifies me not knowing where it will take me. The scared child within shivers and says, “but we are fine where we are.”

We are not really fine. I don’t go around claiming to know a lot and I’m certainly no kind of expert, but I DO KNOW when growth demands to be known and explored and pursued. It comes from my very soul. The very place that desires for my health, my peace, it desires that I love me. All of which is rewarding,  the price for the struggle and pain one has to endure as growth does just that…grow.

The negative side of growth however is that at times it leads you to open your eyes to that which you have spend much times,  many days of drinking, numbing yourself to avoid looking at.

I’m sure I’m stating the obvious for many of you.  To be specific, the growth trying to grab a hold of me in my life at this time is regarding free will and love.

It has recently come to my attention that I am possibly mostly loving out of a codependent state.  And as growth starts to take it’s root, I am afraid that this is true of me. I wonder how many people around me love me from their free will or are loving me to enable my codependency. Codependents can be quite manipulative you know.  So much to unravel. So many questions arise. We will see where this journey takes me.

Precious 30 days.

Day 27. Back again

Hello to all my sober bloggers!  It has been so good to read what all of you have been up to. It’s so neat to see so much progress.  It’s encouraging.

Well, I left…got drunk and had a hell of a time getting sober again.  I was shocked when I was trying and kept falling. I figured I had 9months sobriety, I could just quite drinking easily again (totally forgot it wasn’t easy to begin with).  So I stayed in the haze for 3 months and it was HELL ON EARTH!  Knowing what I got to discover in my absense from drinking but then still drink was absolute torture! I was letting myself down, my kids, my husband. I was behaving in ways I never wanted to see myself behave again and it was awful.  I’d have to say, it was by far the darkest place I have ever been in.

Today, I have gone 27 days without booze and I’m real good with that.  Today I understand that my 3 month relapse had it’s purpose. I believe the 1st 9 months I mostly leaned on will power to get me from day to day.  Today, there is a STRONG conviction that I could NEVER EVER drink again.  Even though I had wished to celebrate my 1 year last month and wished I didn’t let my loved ones down,  I am also grateful I am at a place with more knowledge, conviction and faith.

Thank you for reading.  I appreciate you and your journey.

Happy sober sunday

Could it be me?

You guys, I am having people I love grow increasingly irritated at me. I’ve got my husband whom seems to not like me and then my sister told me a couple of weeks ago to go “F myself” and she no longer has a sister!  All that because I pointed out that her 1 to 2 hour running late affects others and it’s not cute like she thinks. She is 35 years old!  I told her in love but she took it as me trying to “fix” her, ect.  With hubby, he may be feeling the same way. I don’t know. I just know I DO NOT like the way he takes me for granted with the housework, kids, dogs ect. When I point this out to him, he gets extremely defensive and irritated.

I’ve gotta go to class now…but just wanted to know if anyone has experienced people dropping like flies during your recovery.