In the last several days, I find myself hitting the play button to the many fights and arguments I had in my marriage. I find myself pausing and rewinding listening carefully to the words expressed, I hit rewind once again, yet this time paying attention to the facial expressions and body language. Towards the end, right before I left, the words were expressed only by one of us as I usually walked away and wouldn’t come back to the argument protecting myself from any confusion that was to follow.
I once wrote a blog titled I’m Broken. I felt utterly confused and felt that everything was my fault. I had believed that all our marriage problems where about me drinking alcohol. It was so easy to believe that as my problem because being drunk was obvious and because I was open and honest about having a problem. However, once sober, I was still the problem. Shortly after that blog after many months of sobriety, I drank. I felt I wasn’t worth it in the end.
As I go back, only to observe and not get into the arguments I’m playing back, I clearly see how I was easily confused. Gaslighting was the name of his game. He used his words, his strength, the bible to get my mind twisted and confused.
I truly started to believe it was me and so the drinking and numbing continued. It even had come to points where I had slapped myself on two occasions as he came at me with his twisted words. He felt like a bully during these times who wouldn’t let up.
This week has been difficult as there’s a possibility that I may have to move out of this safe haven for a time while the owner comes into town and stays in their home for possibly a week or so. It’s uncomfortable at times to stay in other people’s homes and so I felt I had no other choice than to go back to him. I couldn’t see myself dragging my boys to another location let alone finding one. I surprised myself as I wailed in sorrow and…”what was that, that I was feeling?” FEAR! I felt scared to go back! I couldn’t really believe that I felt that way. It was upon that realization that I then knew, I can’t go back because I matter.
Please lift us in your prayers as well.
P.S. I’ve come to enjoy the messages I receive in my social media. Can you tell? 😊