Day 33: Emotional Abuse

In the last several days, I find myself hitting the play button to the many fights and arguments I had in my marriage. I find myself pausing and rewinding listening carefully to the words expressed, I hit rewind once again, yet this time paying attention to the facial expressions and body language.  Towards the end, right before I left, the words were expressed only by one of us as I usually walked away and wouldn’t come back to the argument protecting myself from any confusion that was to follow. 

I once wrote a blog titled I’m Broken. I felt utterly confused and felt that everything was my fault. I had believed that all our marriage problems where about me drinking alcohol. It was so easy to believe that as my problem because being drunk was obvious and because I was open and honest about having a problem. However, once sober, I was still the problem. Shortly after that blog after many months of sobriety, I drank. I felt I wasn’t worth it in the end. 

As I go back, only to observe and not get into the arguments I’m playing back, I clearly see how I was easily confused. Gaslighting was the name of his game. He used his words, his strength, the bible to get my mind twisted and confused. 

I truly started to believe it was me and so the drinking and numbing continued. It even had come to points where I had slapped myself on two occasions as he came at me with his twisted words. He felt like a bully during these times who wouldn’t let up. 

This week has been difficult as there’s a possibility that I may have to move out of this safe haven for a time while the owner comes into town and stays in their home for possibly a week or so. It’s uncomfortable at times to stay in other people’s homes and so I felt I had no other choice than to go back to him. I couldn’t see myself dragging my boys to another location let alone finding one. I surprised myself as I wailed in sorrow and…”what was that, that I was feeling?” FEAR!  I felt scared to go back! I couldn’t really believe that I felt that way. It was upon that realization that I then knew, I can’t go back because I matter. 

And so I pray and have faith that God will open doors and I will find another temporary place. I pray for the protection of my children and pray to come to a place we can call our own real soon. 

Please lift us in your prayers as well. 

P.S.  I’ve come to enjoy the messages I receive in my social media. Can you tell? 😊


Day 32: 10 Things

It’s been an interesting 10 days since I last blogged. I’ve learned so much about myself in these days. Let me share:

10 Positive Things I’ve Learned about myself;

1.  I can trust my mind. I can make decisions that make logical and emotional sense. I learned that I am NOT indecisive and uncertain. I’m quite certain actually. 

2. I’ve learned that I am strong. Really REALLY strong. That I don’t shy away from hard things. I give it my all and best. 

3.  I have faith! I learned that I still have faith even in fear and when I am concerned or worried. I know I have faith because I bring these fears and worries to God whom I know cares about said worries and fears. I trust in Him wholeheartedly. He will get me through. 

4.  I have good in me. I learned that I am a nurturer and care deeply.  I want to do what’s right always, even when I don’t end up doing right. I still want to do what’s right. Make sense? 😊

5.  I’m extremely responsible. I care for my boys fully and am on top of it. 

6.  I adult pretty well. My priorities seem to be in line since I became sober. 

7.  I am learning to take care of myself too. I rest, workout, eat healthy and I have even made time to paint my toenails! 

8.  I learned that I have great friends whom care so much about me and love me.  I have a wonderful support system.

9.  I learned that I can trust the voice of God speaking to me, not because I’m special but because I seek it and I check my heart to make sure I am not seeking my own self but rather seeking all of Him. I read my bible and pray and enjoy His fellowship. 

10. I learned that I truly get recharged when I surround myself with nature, animals and art. 

There are also things I have learned that are not so positive, yet will be positive soon enough. This is the beginning of awareness so therefore, I will learn. There is hope yet. 

1.  Do to my caring nature, I tend to pick codependent relationships whom I want to love until they are healthy. 

2.  I recognize now that I was in an emotionally abusive situation. 

3.  I don’t have automatic good habits currently. I’m working on building them like making the bed everyday, exercising, eating right, being honest at all times. 

4.  I care way way too much about what others think of me and what they are saying of me. 

I’m sure there is more to be revealed. So far this is how much I know. It’s a good start. How reassuring it is to know that I am indeed on the path of healing and recovery. 

Thank you friends for reading. Cheers to day 32. 

Day 22: Merlin the Cat

Never had I ever had thoughts nor wishes nor desires of owning a cat. I labeled myself as a dog person and thought I disliked cats. I believed the superstitions surrounding them and had a personal almost hate for them. You see, my ex husband had brought two kittens home and soon after, he abandoned me and our son. I was pregnant and was left to clean the kitty litter. Five months into my pregnancy I fell extremely ill and found that the bacteria the kitty litter carried got into my placenta and shortly after, I misscarried. 

Fast forward twelve years and 11 months later, as I walked out of a bar with my current husband and some friends of ours, I heard a loud meeeeoow. I looked down and saw this sweet kitten looking right at me. 

Immediately I felt a strong bond with him. We connected instantly. I picked him up and my husband insisted I set him back down and let him go, but he followed me all the way to our car and home he went with me. 

I fell fast in love with this angel. 

He became my companion. He was always there when I worked on craft projects,

When I folded laundry 

When I showered my sons and when I was getting ready. Always by my side he was. 

 Now as I write, I am again filled with pain and tears. I don’t want to share exactly what happened as it’s too personal and involves my husband too much and I don’t want to speak for him, just know that my Merlin is no longer with me and it’s breaking my heart! 

My love is no longer with me and it hurts! I woke up this morning and sobbed from the physical pain I felt due to my heartache. He has been gone since yesterday. I seriously wonder if I will ever live without this pain? I felt I couldn’t breath this morning from the pain. 

How am I going to get over this? I hurt so bad. If it feels like this with losing my pet love, how much more the pain of one day losing my children to their disease? Oh God, help me! I won’t be able to bare it!?

It’s been an incredibly tough day and yet I remained sober. Sad, depressed, in ugly tears, but sober. My boys helped me so much today. They laid with me, prayed for me and gave me lots of kisses as they reassure me it will be okay. 

But will it? Will my heart forever ache for him?

Day 20: Temporary Sanctuary 

Well, the boys and I have made it to our temporary home. It is small, cute, cozy and it feels safe. 

We arrived on yesterday and to my delight, groceries where being delivered to us at the same time we pulled up. Such a sweet gesture and generosity that my friend “H” is blessing us with. Also confirms that I’m on the right path with God as he starts showing me just how much he is capable of providing for the boys and I. 

As we explore the house, I open the fridge and let out an “OH SHIT!”  

Yup, a darn beer. 

I think to myself, “what am I going to do? Pour it out.  I’m sure it won’t matter if it’s missing.”

 Then I close the fridge door, look up, and…

FOUR BOTTLES OF WINE!!!!!!!   I can’t pour those out, can I?  I panick. Okay, okay, I got this, I can do it. I can ignore it, right? Yea, yea, I’m good. I can do this. If I get tempted, I’ll just move them to the garage. 

Something within me laughs at this thought. “Yea, right. Like you won’t go into the garage! Haha!  Funny. Nice try.” 

So I move on, trying to get settled thinking up some way to deal with the issue and then I run into this…

That’s it!  The devil is at work here. This is insane if I think I can live here. I know at some point I am going to come face to face with the pain surrounding my marriage. How can I allow myself to feel it and grow through it and hear God’s voice regarding our situation If I am going to be too preoccupied fighting this temptation!?

But still I have no solution. My friend “H” is out of town and so she is unable to pick it up and take it out of here.  I’m in the kitchen at this point, looking for a blender as my friend “H” had fresh fruit delivered to us. I wanted to make a smoothie for my boys and I and so I start opening all the cabinets. (I’m laughing right now)

“OH MY GOD! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW!?” I said real loud causing my two boys to run into the kitchen. 

You guys! I stumbled upon an entire cabinet full of liquor and more wine. I mean we are talking the works. Baileys for the coffee, tequila for the margaritas, whiskey, rum, and many more bottles of other types. Seriously, it was well stocked!  

My phone rang and it was my oldest son whom was being dropped off by his cousin. “I’ll be there in 10 minutes momma.”

Cousin. Cousin doesn’t drink. Perfect.  I hurried around the house looking for a something to store all the liquor and found a HUGE box, I placed every single bottle in it and pleaded with the cousin to take it away from the house. He tries to convince me to keep it and test myself, he thinks it will strengthen me. I ask him if he had any weaknesses. He told me. “So imagine living in a house full of that.” 

He took it with him promising to bring it back when we leave here. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off that I didn’t even think to take a picture of the box full of liquor!  A whole bar was in that box. Geez!  My temporary sanctuary was seriously compromised. 

I felt so happy for the victory! So thankful I don’t have to fight that demon. I’m grateful for another sober day and so I sign off filled with peace and joy. It was a good day 20. Good night. 

Day 17: I Can Do Hard Things…

…through Christ whom strengthens me. ❤

A memory of a certain time in my life keeps surfacing in my consious.

This memory takes me back to when I was 17 (wow! how appropriate, the number 17). I had been in a relationship with a boy named Joe Kelley whom was 19. He was an early college graduate and an entrepreneur. He owned two businesses, a video store and a convenient store and was pursuing real estate properties. We were sexually involved yet protected and also smoked pot together.  One evening he confesses to me that when he was young while he still lived with his parents (he was later adopted by his aunt and her husband) his dad physically abused him to the point where he kicked him so hard in his private area and was told he couldn’t never have children.  I remember feeling like I wanted to love him so much to make up for all the love he lacked while growing up.  That evening we didn’t use protection.

Fast forward to 3 months later, a positive pregnancy test, me looking for him to tell him, finding him with another girl and him choosing her while he pointed a laser gun to my stomach, leaving me with so much heartache and pregnant.  I told my mom whom at that very moment kicked me out of our house with no clothes or money. It was then that I became a homeless pregnant 17 year old girl.  I had nowhere to go and so I found a way to speak to his aunt.  I had never been to his home before but I wasn’t surprised by how beautiful it was as Joe was so successful.  I knocked on the door, I asked the woman whom answered the door if she was Joe’s aunt and her answer was…”no, I’m his mom,” in an accent I didn’t recognize.  I was invited in and it was there that I found out that this Joe Kelley guy was actually (Arabic name).  He never even finished Junior High School, the businesses he ran where his parent’s and that he was a big time dope dealer.  Due to their Arabic culture, he had already been sent to Palenstine by the time I came to knock on their door to ask the hand of a young girl whom had been promised to him.  An arranged marriage.  So back to the streets I had to go.

I was beyond devastated.  I was a small town girl of a population of only 2000 people. I was new to the city of Houston, Texas.  I had no idea that people were capable of lying like that.  I spent many nights in stranger’s homes, but the love that I felt for my unborn son willed me to fight.  I started working at McDonald’s and had employees and employers whom cared for me deeply and then I learned the bus system and found a school for young pregnant teen moms.  I attended high school there and learned at the same time about how to care for a baby.  I also started attending night high school so I can hurry and finish high school and pursue a better paying job after my baby was born so I can support us.  I ended up walking a graduation stage even though not with my own class with my baby boy watching from the stands.

This memory, brings lots of emotions and I’m allowing myself to feel them.  I am grateful and see how God protected me and sustained me during these times.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times my life was in danger and because of God, I was spared.  The feeling I hold on to the most is the feeling of empowerment.  My children give me so much strength to fight for them.  I love them with all of me.  God help me when it’s time for you to take them from me! What will become of me?

It has been this memory and that feeling and my love for my boys that I have decided to walk away from my marriage for a little while.  I have done so many hard things here and endured great pain, I am ready to just focus on my children who’s disease takes them away from me everyday.  I can’t take care of a man right now.  Tonight, we will pack some things and tomorrow, we will leave.

Pray for me, may God continue to give me the strength and endurance to keep my sobriety so I can move forward with no guilt or shame and with a clear mind.

I am empowered by knowing…I CAN DO HARD THINGS!


Day 16: Sober Tears

Yesterday I found myself enslaved to the couch.  I felt myself without energy, depressed, consumed by a dark cloud.  I wanted so bad to reach out to some energy, maybe reach out to some kind of goal, to be productive yet there was nothing there.  I saw nothing to reach to.  No goals, no plans, no money, no ideas etc etc.  So I sat captive to the couch and television with no feelings at all.  Just numbness buzzing in my head.

After hours being in the same spot, several naps later I felt something.  A plan started to form in my head and so I got up, went into my bedroom, curled up in bed, put some piano music on and my tears came flooding within the first few seconds of a song.  I cried out loud feeling utter pain. Excruciating pain. I spoke out loud to my God.

“Lord, please come into this place and help me heal! Father you know how much I hurt, help me through this, give me strength to keep enduring the hardships of this life.”

I cried for my marriage, I cried for my stepchildren, I cried for my sons whom are losing their lives to their disease of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (this is where it really hurts) and I cried for myself.  I acknowledge the pain of the little girl within me and I told her silently that we will be okay. I asked God to take care of us, to protect us and we do the hard things in our lives.

And then a miracle!  I thanked the pain. I thanked him for making me stronger, for giving me courage and for strengthening my faith.

I felt so much better and felt renewed.

Sober tears were good to me and I am thankful for them.

Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.

Day 14: This time, it’s different.

I wouldn’t be so bold if I wasn’t so sure of it.  Any doubt is removed by my confidence in knowing that, this time it truly is different.  In some ways, at the very least which turns out to be the very most ways.

You see, I’ve always had problems in the area of love and romance, sex and men.  I’ve been a codependent all my life.  A behavior taught by my father whom claimed to love me and be his favorite as he sexually molested me and learned by my mother whom was a codependent herself, also a victim of incest abuse in her childhood.  It was my father whom started to feed me drink at a very early age.  He would have me fetch him a cold Tecate beer, he would poor a fresh lime on top of it till it filled the can’s rim and then sprinkle salt on top of the lime juice.  He would then pull on the tab as the sound of the pop sprang and then the sizzle of the liquid as the lime and salt poured into the beer.  He would take his first drink and make it look so damn delicious as he licked his lips and then he would let some beer liquid onto the top of the beer and he would offer it to me so I too could sip and taste the beer mixed with the lime and salt.

My dad was/is an alcoholic.  When he would come home drunk, it was to my room he often visited first. Oh, how my heart hurts as I type this.  It was here, during these times that I learned to be “submissive” to a man.  I learned that if one didn’t give a man what he wanted, than he wouldn’t love me anymore.  I equated sex with love and boy did that get me into some real bad situations as I became a teenager, young adult and now a woman.

I learned that I wasn’t enough and so I became a perfectionist, an achiever and would go along with the crowds, hiding behind it all.  I never before had opinions about anything and so I often became whatever anyone wanted me to be especially to a man. I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself and I for sure didn’t know what was good for me.

Then I became a mom at the very early age of 18 and then a caregiver to two of my sons which really fueled my inability to know how to care for MYSELF.

Fast forward, 3 marriages later, several sobriety attempts, much therapy and counseling, many many prayers later, I have finally found my voice.  It’s quiet for the most part but I do put it into practice so it can develop. I can see how I’m becoming whom I was always designed to be.  I have opinions and have set down boundaries and the people around me whom are not use to it are taken aback. It’s causing strife.

I ended my first attempt to be sober two years ago (the first months chronicled here on this blog) by drinking AT my husband.  We were going through real hard trying times that involved one of his children and one of mine.  I had kept my sobriety through the initial dramatic stages and then when the dust was starting to settle and I became vulnerable and needing support, I couldn’t find it in him.  I became so infuriated and distraught, I wrote a letter to my sobriety and bid it farewell.  I have that letter somewhere and hope to find it one day and share it.  I remember I told it that he didn’t work, that I still felt not enough and what was the use.  At least alcohol would help me numb the incredible pain I was and still am experiencing from that event. I had other sobriety attempts but each time, I would drink AT my spouse.  Let me be clear, I do NOT blame my husband for any of my relapses.  It was my insecurities that were the culprit. Insecurities that were planted in me as a very little child. Our marital situations would fuel my insecurities and the feelings of unworthiness would come flooding it. It felt unbearable and so I would end up going back to my numbing agent. It was either that or death.  It truly felt that way.

My marriage is still suffering today. We are both believers and want to honor our commitment and so we hang on, praying and hoping things will change.  What is different this time that I didn’t realize until yesterday is that anytime I feel hurt by our conflicts, I don’t seem to think about running to drink anymore.  Instead, I take a deep breath, I pray diligently and I accept the pain and keep moving forward if moving forward is not moving at all.  What’s important is that I find myself at the end of the day realizing I didn’t move backwards.

I’m so grateful by this new knowing and am so grateful to my God whom has answered this prayer.  Thank you Lord!