Day 8. Sober Cry

Today was super odd! I felt irritable, without motivation, lazy and uncomfortable with my emotions despite my workout this morning. I laid in bed and sat on the couch most of the day after a bath. I spent my day reading John Vale’s book Kick the Drink Easily  and youtubed a lot of videos regarding the effect’s of alcohol to the body both short term and long term. I even goggled pictures of drunk people and read more sobriety blogs and also watched a couple of episodes of Celebrity Rehab. At some point I even felt nauseous and threw up!

Tomorrow my 13 yr old has a doctor’s appointment and will be missing school and my husband had a work meeting tonight so I had planned a night out with my boys to watch a movie at the Movie Tavern tonight.  I had asked my dearest friend to accompany me so she can help me transfer my 13 year old from van to wheelchair and wheelchair to van and van to bed tonight. She agreed and very sweetly asked if it was okay if she had a drink if it didn’t tempt me. I surprised myself when my immediate response was…”naaaa, it wasn’t even on my mind. I will be fine.” And it was true. It use to be a big deal going to the Movie Tavern for me because I can only really drink 2 drinks when I am taking my kids to the movies without feeling awful about drinking and then driving my kids home. So I use to feel anxiety about that and struggle with self control. At the same time, I never really wanted to go to any other theater that didn’t serve alcohol. So truth be told, I surprised myself tonight as the desire wasn’t even there.

In getting ready to get out of the house, my 13 year old (whom is wheelchair bound due to his DMD disease) was getting very uncooperative and whinny.  He was also talking back and got too “adult like” with me when he said to me…”You don’t have to have an attitude..”  which of course I wasn’t having an attitude with him, I was just explaining that his behavior was inappropriate.  I just had to hold my breath and walk away from him as his statement made me really angry.

I then really wanted to just say NO to our outing because of his disrespect EXCEPT that it wasn’t fair to my other child nor to ME! I wanted to get out of the house and just get distracted/ taken away for a little while and I WANT to explore the world without drink! I WANT to one day be at a social gathering and be the only one NOT DRINKING!  I look forward to being set apart from the crowd. Besides, with all my irritable feelings; I didn’t really trust myself to handle the situation with my 13 year old wisely AAANND in my world, in my head, I think about and ask myself… if this day is the last day I have with my son, would I want to remember our last day with each other in a fight?  I know I need to still educate him to be a respectful young man. I do have ideas on how to help him better express himself but tonight was NOT the night to start.  My supply of patience was very low and I have NO idea why.

When we got home, I felt like my beloved and I were a little disconnected. I know it’s my own irritability that is probably triggering this and so I asked him for a hug. When he hugged me I just started crying and crying and couldn’t stop for a little while. I couldn’t really even explain why I felt this way.

So is this what it’s like to go through life, to sit through the discomfort of our own pain, fears, insecurities, etc?  

It’s been such an odd day. Yet I will be glad in it  because I DID go through this day alcohol free and even though I can’t discern what is happening to me emotionally, I plan to get to know myself better in this process and figure things ou.

I read recently somewhere or maybe I heard it and it made such a HUGE impact on me. So much so, I posted this on my bathroom mirror

GIVE YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET YOURSELF VERONICA! 

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Day 6 and 7. I feel strong feelings of SHAME

shame

I have some followers! Yay!  Hi guys!  😀   Now I feel self conscious about how I write. 😉  I hope you forgive my many mistakes and grammar in advance. Fyi: English is my 2nd language. 🙂

So this morning is Day 7.  I don’t remember the last time I was here. Feels good to reach this goal. In my head, I am going for a week at a time. Cheers to that, right? 😉

I had a good weekend. I ran on Saturday morning and took a long nap and on Sunday after church. I read and watched 2 movies and finished the night with The Walking Dead!  Any fans out there?!

Several times over the weekend, however, I got hit by shocks of shame. Can anyone relate?

Two things kept coming up:

On Wednesdays I take the kids to church during the school year.  Last year I attempted several bible study classes and I just wasn’t interested. I felt rebellious towards God and angry with him, so I decided to go to CrossFit instead while the kids went to their activities. That worked for a good long while until school let out for the holidays. I then started back up on my daily drinking. Once school started back up again and Wednesday night services for the children resumed, I was stuck in the nightly drinking. Soooo….what did I do? I went to church with wine in my Jesus mug and drank. Sometimes I would be even tipsy. No, to be real, there were times I was plain ass drunk at church!!!!  I have no idea who I talked to and what I said at times. The kids never acted like they knew but I am sure they did. In typing this the shot of shame hits me hard.  Oh my God forgive me, I drove these kids home in that state. Thank you for protecting us and others during this time Lord. At church this Sunday, on my Day 6; with a sober mind and no hangover glooming over me I felt more open to receive the grace and love of Christ. But the shame….Oh the shame. I also remembered how I attempted Celebrate Recovery there at the church and would bring my wine in the same mug and dispose of the little wine bottles in the parking lot to make a “fuck you” statement “you can’t help me.”  😦

As if that wasn’t enough shame…after my run on Saturday morning, my mind took me to last year in December. I was towards the end of my marathon training which was in January 2014. It was my very fist race!  I went from couch to marathon training so I had no other experience. My good friend/neighbor/experienced running partner suggested I run a half marathon just to get some kind of race experience. The race was scheduled in December 2013. The night before the race I went on a job (I use to be a makeup artist and hair stylist).  I left the house early (on purpose) so I stopped at a restaurant and drank 3 beers. Once at the job, they were serving wine. As I was cleaning up and getting ready to load up, I finished the bottle and proceeded to come home BUT before I came home, I picked up some more wine! Sigh. This is really tough to type. My stepchildren were over that night so all 7 of our children were home and I made a complete ass of myself. When my husband attempted to calm me down, I went ballistic on him and hit him! 😦  I did. I hit my husband and I wouldn’t stop, so he called the police. He had no idea that jail was were they would want to take me. He pleaded with them to please not do that and used my two wheelchair bound children as a reason. They didn’t take me to jail but I couldn’t stay home. My husband called my mother and so I went home with her.  The SHAME that followed the next morning!!!!!!  My loving husband came the following morning and picked me up and just embraced me and shared his love with me.  He knew somewhere deep down that my anger was not really towards him but just towards men for all that I have survived. All that sexual, mental and physical abuse all caused by EVERY. SINGLE. MAN. I have loved and cared for minus him. That morning was the morning of my first half marathon and I missed it. 😦

I have no idea why I easily was able to forget the incident only 1 week after it happened and went back to drinking. I vowed to never drink again and even hung the race shirt for the half marathon called RUN GIRL on my closet wall as to let it be a reminder of what happened that night.  It’s STILL there and it had not stopped me.  Oh the shame in that!!!!!  It’s so very sad. I DID complete my full marathon that January and my husband was  there at the finish line, supporting me all the way.  My cheerleader, my #1 fan.  , my true love

I didn't get to wear the race shirt, nor the number nor did I get to place the sticker on my car as a reward for my accomplishment
I didn’t get to wear the race shirt, nor the number nor did I get to place the sticker on my car as a reward for my accomplishment

I signed up to run the full marathon again for January 2015 this year as I raise money for the RUN FOR OUR SONS organization, an organization dedicated in finding the cure against Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy which is what my two boys have. Yet due to all my drinking and subsequent depression, I have not trained at all.  In my 3 mile run this past Saturday, I have decided I would just drop from the full 26.2 race and just run the half for January. I still have plenty of time to train for the 13 miles. A do over. And I may even sign up for Run Girl again this December just to replace this shirt on my closet wall.

I hope you don’t judge me and instead help me forgive myself.

Thank you.  Now to get on with my Day 7. I will use what I wrote today to get me through this day.

My husband and my pit baby cheering me on and being super supportive!
My husband and my pit baby cheering me on and showing me love!

Day 5. Wearing Labels

Labels

One thing that has impacted me here lately as I continue to pour myself into reading sobriety blogs and viewing different types of methods is the idea of not putting the “Alcoholic” label on oneself.  I find that liberating almost on a daily basis since I first read this.

I grew up in a home where negative labels where part of my upbringing.  I was never good enough, worth enough, sufficient enough to be loved by my parents.  My mother physically, emotionally and mentally abused me for many many years and my father was sexually molesting me. As far as I can remember my mother had labeled me as “FEA” which means UGLY. I was constantly compared to my sister whom was pretty, green eyes and fair skinned (I am dark brown eyed and of darker skin). Mom always kinda hide me behind her in public in order to display my sister. She often got all the compliments while I was invisible not only to my mother but to the strangers that approached my sister to tell her how pretty she is.  I only once remembered a lady just adoring my little sis and then halfheartedly said to me..”oh you are pretty too” and she patted my head as if I was a pet. It truly hurt me and at that young age of 6, I knew very well that she was just trying to be nice.

Mother also called me “PENDEJA” which means IDIOT, DUMBASS, STUPID. This was an everyday label on me.  I couldn’t do much right in her eyes. I couldn’t clean house correctly and when I spoke, I was usually quieted immediately.  “Estas (you are) Pendeja” is what usually followed when I spoke. Even as I got older and was in Junior High school making straight A+’s and making high honor, I was still PENDEJA.

Another label was the I AM WORTHLESS label. “NO VALES NADA.”

That was the beginning of me accepting labels and let them become who I thought I was.  I encouraged labels on myself. I labeled myself UNLOVABLE, ADDICT, I AM AN EXTREMIST, UNHEALTHY, DAMAGED, WORTHLESS.

Hi, I am Veronica and I am an ALCOHOLIC and I am incurable. Whhhhhhooooaaa!  I just hit the jackpot of all labels!  It was easy to give in to this label and just give up hope of anything good in my life. After all… I am incurable!  I was starting to tell my family that I am an alcoholic and the more I said it out loud, the more I drank.  It also made it very easy for my family to hide their addiction behind mine.  Recently I found out that my little pretty sister was telling long lost family members when they ask “how’s Veronica?”, that I am an alcoholic. On my niece’s 15th birthday dinner, she was offered a taste of beer and she was offended and stated that she couldn’t believe that adults would offer her alcohol. I told her I would NEVER offer her a drink as I would never want to be responsible for any dependency she later may develop and proceeded to “educate” her on the alcohol gene and advised her that both set of her parents have that gene. (I didn’t know much of anything beyond what society and AA told me) Very loudly in front of a table of about 10 adults and several children, she says, “I don’t know what you are talking about…the only alcoholic in my family is YOU.”   Oooooh, how I so realized right there and then that her momma, my little sister, was putting me out there like that. Shaming me so that she can hide her own struggles.

How I wish I could have stopped the label sooner. Today I have 2 motivations to kick this alcohol thing in the ass. 1. To find FREEDOM from addiction and 2. To not give my sister, any family member or any enemy anything to HIDE behind.  They WILL BE exposed once they no longer have me to compare themselves to.  “Well at least we are not alcoholics like Veronica” while they drink to blackouts on weekends.

I confided in my mom, sister and brother about my struggles because I was hiding the struggle from my husband and kids and felt SOMEONE needed to know the truth in case I get into some kind of trouble (i.e. sick).  Yet instead of helping, they enabled me. Now in the sober clarity of Day 5 I can clearly see how they helped get me drunk. I strongly believe they have secretly liked me being that weak.

Here is to the hard work of removing labels. Let me start new ones today.

I AM…

1. LOVABLE

2. WORTHY

3. SUFFICIENT

I look forward to adding to this list.

God Bless,

Veronica

“The light in the midst of desperation is hope”

Day4. Why am I so sleepy?

Day 4. Wow! I kept myself very busy outside of the house in order to avoid some temptation. You see, most of my drinking was done at home while cleaning like a freak! I did almost ALL my chores while seeping on a drink. I ended up isolating myself, talking less to friends on the phone, avoiding neighbors, I stopped going to my CrossFit gym and stopped my marathon training. I even deactivated my Facebook as I no longer trusted myself on what I would share or post while drinking during the day.  Most days I finished a bottle of wine before anyone got home. I was calmed, relaxed, sometimes loopy and the house spotless, dinner cooking by the time my family got home.

So today, I got out. I went to my CrossFit gym (2nd time this week since starting this sober journey) then decided to take my pittbull puppy out to the dog park and get her socialized.  I spent nearly 2 hours there and I myself got to socialize a whole lot. I truly enjoyed it. One lady I spoke with mostly even said that I reminded her of a dear friend due to my bubbly personality! 🙂 ME?! A bubbly personality!  I thought that part of me was gone. She gave me hope with that comment.

Afterwards, I took my “lil bitch” (that’s what I call her sometimes out of love, I know I know it may not be appropriate but it truly comes from a place of love for her sassy little cute self) out to lunch with me. It was a glorious day with perfect weather.

I was suppose to come home and get chores done and do some grocery shopping but instead for the 2nd day in a row i just HAD to take a nap. I have felt beyond exhausted in sobriety. It’s a little weird as when I was drinking, I never not once took a nap. I would say that the wine would give me energy instead of take it away. Now, while sober I am just thrown off.  Any ideas why?

I also got a little irritated and craved for my deal ole friendenemy, red wine. Nothing quenched the craving. I tried cold tea, hot tea and water with lemon. Nothing helped. I wanted to just give up and go to bed but I needed to make dinner still.  So I had the idea of making myself a virgin bloody mary.  I am not sure this helps in sobriety, to replace an alcoholic drink with a “pretend” none alcoholic drink like virgin mixes or none alcoholic beers or wines.  Does anyone know?  The virgin bloody mary and listening to my audio book, Alcohemy worked in letting the craving and the irritation pass.

Hope someone out there can help me with these questions.  For now, I am ready for bed and glad Day 4 is behind me.

Before I go, let me introduce you to Reyna aka “Lil Bitch”

Day3

Thank God, I have made it through Day 3! I kept thinking it was Day 4 for some reason and I think it’s because the voice in my head wanted to say “see,  you can do this, now you can drink moderately.”  Uuuh, Yeah, NO!!!!!  NO I CAN’T!!!  Remember the bottle of wine plus 2 beers you drink regularly and have done so for the past 3 years!!!!?

So Day 3. I am not exactly sure when the last time I was on Day 3.  I do vaguely remember going to Day 6 sometime last year during a Whole Foods Challenge.  I would drink 2 glasses of wine every 7th day.  That is so different from what I am attempting to do today.

The day was a roller coaster. I can’t really make it all out.  I wanted to go for a jog after the kids went off to school but instead I allowed my big pitbull honey to lay on me for about 45 minutes while I caught up on a favorite show of mine and drank coffee. I was concerned because mornings like this that seem like I am going to spend the day in front of the TV, I end up opening a bottle of wine at 11:30ish and set laundry or a drawer I need to organize in front of the TV and seep on my wine. I was thankful when my dear childhood friend called me and we talked for 2 hours and 40 minutes. I shared with her about my blog and my new intentions in sobriety. We talked about growth, our children, our spouses and so much more! I enjoyed it. While talking I got much done around the house. 2 loads of laundry, dishes washed, dishwasher unloaded, counters wiped, swept, cleaned up living room, fed dogs and we finally hung up when I arrived at the grocery store. Once I was at the grocery store (a grocery store I visit almost daily for my red wine fix) I didn’t give much thought to the temptation. I just told myself to get what I needed and get out. It went really well. I even walked through the beer and wine isle unconsciously to get to other items at the end of the isles and I didn’t get stuck or froze nor contemplated nor negotiated with my head. That felt very good.  Once home however, I felt irritated and so I decided to sit and cuddle with my pit babies and finish watching another one of my favorite shows I recorded.  I ended up napping which surprised me greatly as I didn’t feel tired.  I once read that obsessing about sobriety can be exhausting, I guess they were right. I have been reading none stop sober blogs and listening to several audio books. I just finished for the 2nd time listening to Drinking; A Love Story and now I am listening to Alcohemy: The Solution to Ending Your Alcohol Habit. At 3pm I got up and started on dinner. At 3:20 my youngest got home and we started on homework. At 4:20, my middle child got home and I worked on making him comfortable (he is wheelchair bound and so has many discomforts). At 4:50, I head over to the YMCA with my youngest to coach 5 yr old soccer. At 6pm I hurry home to finish dinner. At 6:20, beloved shows up with my 4 stepchildren. I feel irritated again. Beloved stops and stands in the kitchen with me,  offers help and asks why I feel so irritated and I couldn’t answer. I told him maybe it was because I am used to numbing any and all feelings that I just may feel uncomfortable. He helps me talk it out a little and I feel better afterwards. At 7:30, I serve Chicken N Dumpling soup and it’s a HIT! Kids ask for seconds, beloved thanks me and offers me many kisses.  8:15, I go out and recycle. 8:30, I put my boys to bed. 9:00 pm, beloved offers to sit in the hot tub and watch the football game outside and have a cigar with him.  I accept. I change  into my swimsuit and when I come down, we both were by the refrigerator. I go and grab a bottle of water, he goes and grabs a beer. I made the comment that the beer looked good and he says, “there is one left.”  Without a thought and NO HESITATION, I say, “NO THANKS!”  He says, “WOW”  I am laughing right now as I am typing!  It felt so damn good!

Once outside, beloved shares with me about his day and a possible new job opportunity!  I am elated!  Hubby hardly ever offers to share much about his job. What is going on here?  I still can’t help but to wonder if this whole time it has been ME avoiding conversation and eye contact because I had something to hide almost always!

I felt very much present in my life today. I am thankful I got through my irritations without any drink. I feel more love from my husband (it was always there but I rejected it) but most importantly, I kinda like myself just a little more today. 🙂  Now if only I can get back to working out more consistently and losing this extra 15 lbs I picked up during all this drinking.

Good Night, I am going to bed to get ready to kick Day 4’s ass!

The eve of Day2

It’s 8pm and I am sitting outside waiting for our children to get out of a big event at church.  Beloved took he and I out to dinner.  He took us to one of our favorite restaurants where we always sit at the bar, have our favorite dish and enjoy a couple of beers. It was beautiful outside and so I suggested a table outside just so I could avoid the bar. “It’s much easier to resist the beer this way”, I thought.

I haven’t wanted to share with my beloved my decision towards sobriety nor this blog. I feel I have broken many promises to him and our children before and I just couldn’t face disappointing them once again. I planned ahead and decided I would order a diet coke with lime and a healthy meal, this way I had my excuse as to why I didn’t order a beer…”I worked out today and I don’t want to waste the workout.” I knew my husband would be surprised and he was. He actually said…”that’s weird” right after I ordered the diet coke. I replied with my planned out response, “crossfit hurt too much today and I don’t want my hard work to be wasted.”  “Ok”, he stated. “That’s good.”

He ordered his beer and we proceeded to have a real nice conversation about self love and how it was connected to Christ’s love. He shared how it was His love that transformed him and got him to a place where he likes himself,  has peace and confidence.  I admire my husband so much for this. In my eyes, my husband is really strong and is tapped into a spiritual relationship with our God that is unshakable. I asked him questions wanting to know more.  It’s been such a long while since we have done this. Usually, like I mentioned,  we sit at the bar (sometimes he orders a beer,  sometimes he doesn’t and I would get irritated when he didn’t,  why else do we sit at the bar?!) And our shoulder to shoulder sitting offered more of a companion situation, a buddy to have a couple of beers with while watching ESPN on the bar’s tv screen. Conversation is more difficult in this position yet even on days he didn’t order beer (I wouldn’t either because I hated drinking alone next to him) I preferred this type of sitting.  I guess I rather us not talk, not make eye contact as I didn’t have much to share. I was mostly hiding and found I didn’t have anything to discuss except for how much I have been drinking. 4 to 6 drinks a night, 7 nights a week. I always have felt that if I were to genuinely look into his eyes, he would know all my secrets.

During dinner tonight he asked me why I lied to him on Monday about me drinking. He had come home and thought I was acting a little weird and had asked me if I have been drinking, I had but I lied to him and told him know and acted offended.  Here again I wanted to lie to him AGAIN and claim he was wrong, “I didn’t have anything to drink that day, like I said.” I remembered him questioning me on that day after I told my lie…”babe, don’t you think by now I know when you have been drinking?”

If drinking kept me lying and lying kept me in shame and I am now trying to be sober so I can be more honest with myself and therefore others, than I guess I best tell the truth.  I shrugged my shoulders…a silent “I don’t know.”  He accepted that as my acknowledgement to the truth, I HAD been drinking that day. He didn’t push me. He just said he just wanted to know and he wasn’t here to judge me.

I felt utter relief and acceptance. Thank God for the truth…it truly does set one free!  I thank God for my husband’s grace and his ability to love me even through all my craziness.

In this state of relief and feeling safe, I shared with him that I didn’t really think I was lying to him just to lie to him yet mostly to lie to myself. I told him that in hiding the bottles or throwing them away with the trash instead of collecting them in the recycling bin was a way of hiding how much I drank from myself!  True insanity there.  I told him that I realized recently that I have not really learned how to make real decisions in my life, that I have always just gone with the flow and let life happen to me.  How else did I end up married 3 times!  I was asked and I said yes. I told him I wanted to try something different and be more cautious of making decisions and be more in control of my life and that I wanted to learn to like myself more.

I then looked up at him and said…”I can’t make you any promises, I am just going to take it one day at a time and make decisions on what is good for me and do what will end up giving me strength, courage and growth.”  He said, “and that’s all it takes sometimes.”

My love! He is super wonderful to me! ❤  I am finally feeling safe in his love.

Day 2, complete. No drink.

Good Night.

Day 2. Torments in the night

Tormented in the night

DAy 2

I have been here before, many times before on Day 2. Most of the time, I resolve to conquer Day 2 with all my will power and somehow towards to eve on Day 2, something happens. I forget that I am attempting sobriety and fall into drink again.

Last night I woke up at 4 am. in a panic. It’s not unusual for me to wake this way. I am programmed to wake up once to twice a night to turn my 13 yr old with DMD over in bed. He doesn’t have the muscle strength to do this so I readjust him at least once nightly but sometimes up to 4 times. Last night I woke up, checked my phone for the time, it’s 4:30am. Oh no! I haven’t heard from my son. I hope he is okay, what if the buzzer that rings me in my room ran out of battery last night and he tried to buzz and he is probably downstairs in his room crying from pain or wet because he needed to use the restroom. Worse yet, my thoughts take me to the question…what if he died? 😦  Duchenne does steal some boys in the night from sudden respiratory or heart failure so unfortunately it’s not a ridiculous inappropriate question to ask myself at 4am. I got out of bed and checked on him and with relief saw that he was sleeping heavily. It must be one of those miraculous nights where his body wants sleep more than comfort (wish I could sleep through these once-in-a-blue moon nights but I am way too programmed to wake up and check on him). The panic within me didn’t rest there. Once I was back in bed I wondered…did I drink last night? How much? Did anyone notice?  These are questions I ask myself as I try really hard to remember the day before and trace back through the day and attempt to remember all the details including…did I leave any evidence behind?

In addition to waking up to my boy, the alcohol wakes me up as well tormenting me with all these questions and thus begins the feelings of shame, quilt, and self loathing. Some nights worry overtakes me when my kidney hurts. Such a repetitive cycle.  Last night was no different. Even after I realized and told myself and reassured myself I had nothing to drink, the voice in my head said “that won’t last.”

This morning I prayed asking my Lord to please help me stay sober. I plan to go back to my CrossFit gym at noon today. I’m scheduled to meet with a friend there so I won’t talk myself out of it.

I don’t know if anyone out there can “hear” me but some encouragement for today would help.

Here goes Day 2.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, t give you a future and a hope.