Day 2. Torments in the night

Tormented in the night

DAy 2

I have been here before, many times before on Day 2. Most of the time, I resolve to conquer Day 2 with all my will power and somehow towards to eve on Day 2, something happens. I forget that I am attempting sobriety and fall into drink again.

Last night I woke up at 4 am. in a panic. It’s not unusual for me to wake this way. I am programmed to wake up once to twice a night to turn my 13 yr old with DMD over in bed. He doesn’t have the muscle strength to do this so I readjust him at least once nightly but sometimes up to 4 times. Last night I woke up, checked my phone for the time, it’s 4:30am. Oh no! I haven’t heard from my son. I hope he is okay, what if the buzzer that rings me in my room ran out of battery last night and he tried to buzz and he is probably downstairs in his room crying from pain or wet because he needed to use the restroom. Worse yet, my thoughts take me to the question…what if he died? ūüė¶ ¬†Duchenne does steal some boys in the night from sudden respiratory or heart failure so unfortunately it’s not a ridiculous inappropriate question to ask myself at 4am. I got out of bed and checked on him and with relief saw that he was sleeping heavily. It must be one of those miraculous nights where his body wants sleep more than comfort (wish I could sleep through these once-in-a-blue moon nights but I am way too programmed to wake up and check on him). The panic within me didn’t rest there. Once I was back in bed I wondered…did I drink last night? How much? Did anyone notice? ¬†These are questions I ask myself as I try really hard to remember the day before and trace back through the day and attempt to remember all the details including…did I leave any evidence behind?

In addition to waking up to my boy, the alcohol wakes me up as well tormenting me with all these questions and thus begins the feelings of shame, quilt, and self loathing. Some nights worry overtakes me when my kidney hurts. Such a repetitive cycle. ¬†Last night was no different. Even after I realized and told myself and reassured myself I had nothing to drink, the voice in my head said “that won’t last.”

This morning I prayed asking my Lord to please help me stay sober. I plan to go back to my CrossFit gym at noon today. I’m scheduled to meet with a friend there so I won’t talk myself out of it.

I don’t know if anyone out there can “hear” me but some encouragement for today would help.

Here goes Day 2.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, t give you a future and a hope.

Light of Desperation

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Desperation is defined as a state of despair, typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.  So here I am, taking my extreme behavior and putting into writing in hopes of finding sobriety and all the good that comes with it.  Here is my Day1.

Despair is the theme in my life you see and it gives me much reason to drink, self sabotage and be self-destructive. ¬†I was sexually abused by many members of my family including my father from the age of 5 till I was “date” raped at 13. It was here I turned to alcohol and pot and they became my friends, my comfort, my courage, my empowerment and my enemies. I have been married 3 times, divorced twice and 2 of my 3 sons have been diagnosed with the very deadly cruel disease of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. I am a step momma of 4 kiddos pet momma of 2 pit pups. Needless to say, yet I will say it anyway…I HAVE ISSUES! High anxiety, lots of worry, many fears, PTSD, trauma, grief, lack of faith and trust, depressed….desperate.

I just have to believe that in all of this desperation, there is light that is waiting to shine. ¬†I look forward to documenting my journey here and pray that it helps someone out there as I pray it will help me. It will be raw, no filters, just brutal. How else can one grow if she doesn’t just tell the whole truth.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32